Thursday, August 03, 2006

WRITING: how to kill yourself slowly

I have decided to post this piece of writing on this blog. I'm not entirely sure why I decided this now. I wrote this piece for my nonfiction creative writing class a couple years ago in college. It caused quite a bit of controversy. I wrote it as a satire, but no one really got that. I wrote it to mock and bury all my old shit and my old mentality. It was my goodbye to it by making fun of it. My close friends got it; the class went off; my teacher demanded a happy ending; it made my fuck buddy physically ill. But I am going to post it as I originally wrote it. It is my favorite piece of my own writing. I would like to point out that this is ALL PAST, and I have dealt with and resolved most of it. Consider this my disclaimer...

How to Kill Yourself Slowly
A Satire

There are so many ways to kill yourself without taking a razor to your wrist or tightening the noose around your neck. The secret beauty lies in the indirect methods. You want to savor your pain, taste your own decay, and kill yourself slowly.

The process should be started when you are young and weak, ignorant. A preexisting mental disorder or a trauma is helpful, but the twisting dance of both intertwining together is best. Maybe crazy is in your blood, passed down the line from a great-grandmother that spent her adult life tied down and shocked senseless in a mental hospital. The legacy of mental illness snakes silently through your genes, only visible in the awkward interactions at family get-togethers. Insanity is painted in the wrinkles of all of their repressed faces. Never say crazy. You can never say the word crazy. Their swirling disease now pounds through your mind, taints your world. But you don’t discover this sickness until your world has abruptly been ripped apart. Maybe your entire childhood was a jumble of shifting illusions teetering on a framework of lies that suddenly crashes down in one breath to expose an ugly reality. The life you thought you had vanishes. It did not exist. Your parents never loved each other; they thought kids would make it better. You were born to save a failing marriage. You find out from your mother’s journal two weeks before she moves out.

You can use your mother’s nervous breakdowns as an example. Hear the slamming door and the stifled sobs from the other side. Watch her tiny body tremble, face turn deep red, small hands clench until the knuckles are a ghastly white. Listen to the tones of her incoherent babblings to herself, up and down, screeching, moaning. See her crumble on the stairs or the kitchen floor in a frantic fit of tears. Her body convulses. This is a good path to follow, an easy plummet to the bottom.

A failed suicide attempt at the age of twelve with your mother and sister arguing in the other room will get you closer to death than you could imagine. You need to nurture a blind hatred of your life and everything in it, blot out the sun with the thick, warm pessimism that nothing will ever get better. Embrace your own darkness and depression. A morbid fascination is comforting. You want to turn yourself completely over to your disease. Trust the distorted and deformed thoughts that seize your mind. Yes, you are worthless. Yes, no one gives a shit about you. Yes, you want to die. Let the black emotions that taint your veins consume you. Curl up with hatred and sadness. Make sure any flicker of hope is snuffed out. Your mind is no longer your own. You look into the mirror and see a stranger behind the glass, laughing and tormenting you. Her voice lacerates your mind. You begin to hallucinate sober. See your own slashed arms held before your eyes. Watch the walls bleed.

People can ruin this plan. Support from others can weaken your conviction. You cannot want to be helped or saved. Start by developing a horrible relationship with your father who you loved so dearly in childhood. He is the man who coached your elementary school softball team, who watched your first horror movie with you, who even would play Barbies if no one was looking. But he will become unrecognizable to you – a stranger in the shell of your dad. Perhaps begin by fighting with him about moving his girlfriend in. He lied about her for months. She has the biggest ass you have ever seen; she tries to be your mother but is scared of you, as she should be. Scrape and claw for your lost father and a glimmer of the relationship you once had until he is telling you at least once a week how worthless you are and how you are fucking up his life. He watches stone-faced as you cry and again try to convince him to care about you. You pick at the gray comforter on your bed and beg him to please, just once, tell you that he loves you. He looks at you and walks out. No emotion; he must never show emotion, just like his father. Only you bring out the hidden temper and a stinging backhand from him. Maybe also get disowned by his family twice – for having a party at his house while he is out of town and for being a horrible daughter and person to him, their golden boy. Make sure your family devalues and ignores you and your problems.

You should also get close to friends who will abandon you. They will leave you for boyfriends, girlfriends, new people, anything to get away from you. They say that you are too fucked up and need to get over yourself. Become dependant on one person who will tell you she can’t deal with this when you finally ask for help. She cannot even say this to your face; she writes it down in her illegible handwriting during class. You can barely make out the words with the tears blinding you. You actually trusted her; you thought you could. She was the only person you had cried out to. You were fucking up her life too. Take this as proof that you should never ask for help. Instead surround yourself with people who do not care about or notice you except for a few shining individuals who will stop you from taking a swan dive into the asphalt but will overlook a few destructive behaviors. Your disease goes unnoticed here. They joke about it with you. You are not too much for them to deal with; you are nothing to them.

You need to have sex with assholes. This is vital. Lay down for the kind of man your father has become. They don’t want you. They are drunk, and your more attractive friends are already taken. High school dropouts with bullshit jobs who only drink constantly or peddle their drugs: baggy clothes, disheveled hair beneath a hat, glazed over eyes, tattoos, calloused hands, the smell of hours of laying carpet or tossing beer cases. Taste the alcohol and cigarettes on their tongues and follow them into the room. You pretend to fall for their pathetic lines, a blur of syllables you only know to be false, but you are just using them too. Dragging you into the bathroom in the middle of a case of beer. Phone calls at 2 a.m. telling you to come over when they are already trashed. A motel room you barely remember. Let them ignore you afterwards; let them treat you like shit. Have sex that makes you hate yourself. You feel nothing anyways.

Live in dangerous distractions. Find the joy in destructive behaviors. Drinking will poison your liver and amplify your disease. Dark depression will become overwhelming as the balancing cycles of mania are repressed by the alcohol. Any rational thought is washed away, and your control dissolves. You are perpetually lost and disoriented in a rotating world of the same faces and anonymous parties. There is no reality. You will also need a healthy addiction to smoking. About a half of a pack of menthol lights a day should blacken your lungs nicely and get the cancer going. You use smoking as a crutch – angry, smoke; sad, smoke; bored, smoke. Painkillers also nibble at your liver and bring a distortion to your mind. You convince multiple doctors to prescribe them to you until you are red-flagged for Vicoden, or you get them from people at parties. It is a quiet addiction where having a curved spine and uneven legs are a perfect explanation. You must even eat fatty and salty food in excess and refuse exercise. Five packets of salt on your fries. Tell people that you are trying to kill yourself slowly in as many ways as possible. Jokes dispel concern.

But most importantly, you have to discover self-mutilation as a way to cope with the controlling, overpowering pain inside you. You feel the tingling below your flesh, are saturated by the screaming thoughts in your mind, listen to your strange reflection’s persuasive words. Do it. Just once. It will make it all go away. It will make you feel better. Burns at first because you are too terrified by what you are doing to yourself. A curling iron, a lighter, cigarettes. Your trembling hand then the bite of the heat and goosebumps racing over your skin. Then you embrace the behavior and move on to cutting. It is a beautiful transition, as if you had been a cutter all your life. Your hands quiver until you fall into that heavy trance. The world falls silent except for your thumping heart. The sharp knife twitches in your hand. An awkward, tentative cut then another – deeper, deeper, always in a line. Your body disappears; you feel nothing but the slice and the thick tranquility to follow, letting the blood escape in front of the other in the mirror. She always smiles.

You need to lie to disguise all of these distractions. Tell your parents you’re working or staying at a friend’s house when you are out drinking or having meaningless sex. The cigarettes and the smell are your friend’s, not yours. The burns are from the popcorn popper at work. You convince yourself that your lies are true in front of your parents. If they question you, you get so enraged that they simply believe you. You learn to lie fluently; it becomes easier than the truth.

Cradle all the consequences of your destructive behaviors close to you. You need to dwell on every one, turn it on yourself, blame yourself completely. Make decisions that you can torture yourself over for years. They are excuses to hate yourself, reasons to be fucked up. You go back to bed with the same men or always the same type of men. They don’t care about you, and you feel dead inside. It must be because you’re worthless; it must be because you’re not good enough for better. You miscarry a child before you know you are pregnant. You must have drank it to death; it must have rejected your body. You take the wrong drink from a guy and are too drunk to fight back when he pushes himself on you. You must have drank too much; you must have let him. It all has to be your fault. Perpetuate your self-loathing, and dive deeper into your disease.

Above all, you must resist help in any form. You need to distance the few who care about you. Shove them away. Isolate yourself, and wrap yourself up in your pain. Refuse therapy of any kind even when your mother forces you to go as a child and attempts to bribe you with $50 as an adolescent. Don’t trust the friends who swear they won’t leave, promise they aren’t scared off by your insanity, and tell you that you really do matter. You must never talk or cry out no matter how desperately the words of a thousand expressions press on your teeth and try to escape off your tongue. Restrain your tongue; bar your mouth. Let it all fester and grow silently like a cancer inside you, killing you slowly.

314 comments:

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Anonymous said...

i dont want to kill myself, i just want the pain to stop. my mom is dead and it feels like i am screaming for help but know one can hear me.........maybe i should just give in....i already started to cut again.....maybe this battle cant be won.

Unknown said...

I have to say that this is one of the finest works I've ever read. If I ever do decide to kill myself I'm going to use this as my note. Don't worry I will make sure its properly accredited.

Laura said...

No one will probably read it or care, but I relate to most of what you wrote as a satire. Some things are said jokingly but, oh, aren't they the painful truth?

I am so alone (my mum died nine months ago and I miss her so much, and I have been through so many losses) that even an attempted suicide is not an option anymore. No one would notice it LOL.

I don't want to seem like a victim, but I so fucking relate to that piece you wrote, it is scary.

I hope you are ok now, and happy, or at least content.
We just have ourselves to count on, in the end.

Anonymous said...

Man, great read. I write stuff like this myself. But this was really elaborate. Great work.
http://ghostsonyourback.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/die-painlessly/

Anonymous said...

This was a refreshing read I must say. Really interesting. Its so detailed would make anyone think twice.
www.doubtscleared.wordpress.com

Anonymous said...

Life is meaningless. You will NEVERbe truly happy. I used to be against suicide because I knew that if I ever did it it would tear up mother. I cared about her so much I promised myself I would never put her through that pain. That is until I found a suicide letter from her addressed to me in her room. Now there's no point if she doesn't care about me enough for her to stick around and there's nothing holding me back. If only I was strong enough to cock a gun.

Anonymous said...

It's not worth killing yourself.....someone will help you, He sends His angels, if you open your heart......I know this from a fact.

Unknown said...

That was awsome...

Firstly, fuck your teacher; this was a great read and I found myself looking back and finding everything you wrote in myself. But the smoking cig's want for me, I went strait for cutting my wrists and nearly fainting from blood loss....good times.

And you got the wallowing and loatheing one's life so they could revel in there depression dead on.

Denying freinds help was painfull but i found it was easier to stay in selfdepression after doing so.

And yes, most of the people reading this will comment on the fact im probally not mentally stable... I dont doubt that possibility myself.

I've only tried killing myself once, and that sadly enough was with C-tablets. No joke, i tried to kill myself with stuff thats supposed to help you. Almost worked to, my mother foiled it though when she found m passed out on my bed with a letter which simply stated "Fuck this".

After going to the hospital and getting my stomach pumped both of my parents(divorced when i was 4) decided i need to see a pychiatrist. i dont blame em', what i did was fairly stupid...

Anyway, to get back on topic, this read was great and i'll always remember this when receded from others complentating whether or not I'll cut my wrists now or later.

With contempt,
Sven Johanssen


P.S.- All spelling errors i hope will will be ignored.

Unknown said...

ive always thought since i dont have the balls for the quick way out ill die slowly

kelly said...

i truly love it. you have amazing skills. i write stuff like this too but my mom hates it. she tells me i cant write like that in her house and that i better write happy things or else i will be homeless. i tried to kill my self multi. times. my life is just like how you wrote. it is to the T i wish that can kill myself but i cant bare to leave my love ones. yet i have to leave my body and mind for ever i need to be gone. i am so sorry that i am just rambling on

Anonymous said...

Email me.
nfgfreak2007@yahoo.com
thanks,
rachel

Anonymous said...

Hi chris....... I have tried to kill myself coz of resons that are just to much... I would like to talk to u on email it would be more comfortable sharing my thoughts and past wit u...

Anonymous said...

hi, i'm a transboy and i want to kill myself..came across your blog when i google how to kill yourself, and i'm glad to see i'm not the only one feeling left out.
gonna kill myself soon, still finding out the best painless ways to die.

MyTormentedSoul said...

By next week, ill make sure to have done everything in this blog....

ANDREANAS said...

FUCK YOU ALL!! .. I did kill my self and the doctors brought me back * ass holes *. Anyway.. I have no disease or anything.. I just did it for shits .. Btw the price you wrote is cool: ) I am what you would call a genius after experiencing death I have 170 iq which is better than most and I am in grade 7 rofl I have fun and do stupid stuff it's all gud though Docters won't let me die anyway..; /

ANREANAS said...

Typos ain't my fault . Stupid iPods: a

ANDREANAS said...

TDAispvm@gmail.com
Sorry bout spam ain't sleep in 72 hrs kinda jittery

Anonymous said...

Anreanas ur an ass hole. Don't really care though no1here will give me support anyway chris fucking ditched and I'm going through the death of my family. They were driving to the hospital cuz I had broke my wrist and my parents want every1to come and so the car that hit killed all of them. Tell me if u want an email adres but as I am pretty shure Chris left.. I will check daily and on 12th day no reply I will hang myself with wire and decapitate myself.

Chris said...

Latest anonymous, Chris is right here, still reading comments and still answering emails. Fire away; I'm happy to talk.

Anonymous said...

Cool: ) guess I don't have to kill myself...

Anonymous said...

No reply? Fuck the 12days Imma hit death and get tea with the devil later ass holes.

Chris said...

If you want to talk, email me at chris[dot]sexmis[at]gmail[dot]com.

Anonymous said...

hey...
i really liked this piece of writing... many aspects of it wre so similar to my life...
i really wish sometimes i could just end everything right now.
but the idea of destroying myself slowly is alot better.
I push everyone away tht gets close to me... never let anyone help me. and drink myself into oblivion whenever i can.

I think your a great writer... and i really admire you for over coming everything you felt... and i only wish i could before its too late.... :(

Anonymous said...

hey...
i really liked this piece of writing... many aspects of it wre so similar to my life...
i really wish sometimes i could just end everything right now.
but the idea of destroying myself slowly is alot better.
I push everyone away tht gets close to me... never let anyone help me. and drink myself into oblivion whenever i can.

I think your a great writer... and i really admire you for over coming everything you felt... and i only wish i could before its too late.... :(

Sandi said...

Damn, two beers and four xanax have my eyes crossed and I'm having trouble reading. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Sounds so melodramatic and pathetic, but life holds no meaning for me anyymore. I just want it to end. It's proving hard to find a means. I just want the hurt to end and can't find that with the poeple around me. What's the point!!!!!

awakeningrose@yahoo.com said...

Jessica

I know you're hurting and you have every right to feel angry and tired and miserable. The plus side is that things can get better. Look for a teacher, friend(s) or family to reach out to. They may well be feeling the same things as you are. Believe me, I know what the desire to give up feels like, It hurts and it's so permanent and you still don't get the understanding you need and deserve. E-mail me at anythime at awakeningrose@yhoo.com. I'm not usually drinking beer and can offer reasonable, safe advice. Do not let one bad time stope you from living a full, happy life. Your have ao much ahead of you to live for!!!!1 With love, Sandi

Anonymous said...

Another person who got here from googling how to kill myself.
This is my life but described a whole lot more beautifully.

Korah said...

This is really beautiful. I've gone through some of this stuff to. Not a happy time I have to say. Still going thorough it. I hope things have gotten better.

Anonymous said...

If you going to do your self harm please think of all the people that you will hurt as well. Why not take up a extremely dangerous sport or volunteer for the armed forces.
Those of you with little children think again please, you will never be there for when they will need you the most later on in life.
Please don't do it . It let's you off the hook easily but destroys those around you for ever. Is that what you want? To cause pain and suffering on others?

jaseharris2112@yahoo.co.uk

Carly154 said...

I was only able to finish the 2nd paragraph cause tears wont stop shedding from my eyes. My mom has been in the mental hospital many times and that one paragraph made me realizing that im letting my own genes come to me. I can't let my own mother's life affect mine and im pretty sure im not the only one who feels this way. Even though this isnt an advice essay, it just makes people think of their own reality. We need to take control of our lives and enjoy it. I found this by googling on how to die slowly but this one essay saved my live. Thank you

Jessica said...

This is my life. i do not see it is satire. it is real life. last night I cut myself and detached my friendships. I am on my way to death.

Anonymous said...

i failed multiple suicide attempts, I want to die more than anything and be done with it all. No emotions, no people, no deadlines, no bad days, no fucking everything up, no being hated. but my body is so fucking resistant to death.

Anonymous said...

wow this is my life in so meny and so little words at the same time thank you

Anonymous said...

Excellent. How long did it take you to write it?

I hope that the pain for you is either gone because you've found how to deal with it, or it's ended because you're dead. And I'm not trying to be mean. I'm in a different situation but in the same boat. Too pissed off and tired to try to deal with the horseshit that God has handed to me. Would like to take the easy way out and put a gun in my mouth, but will it send me to hell?

Please let me get pancreatic cancer and be dead in a couple of months without risking hell...

Anonymous said...

I am only 10 years old and life is very hard for me my mum and dad split up a couple of years ago and ever since they kept secrets and I only found out that my dad I not my sisters dad and thats hard for me and my sister and I know they are keeping more secrets but won't tell me and heaps of other things have happens and I just wanna kill myself every thing bad has happened to me and I just wanna end it by killing myself but I am not sure if I should kill myself or not.

Marian said...

I am going to leave the world after Christmas and start a new one so by world for after Christmas

Mariah said...

I am so sad I hate my life every second. and every minute it is tearing me apart and I want to end it by ending me

moses said...

Hi chris,
I have no idea why I am writing this but I feel I have to. I have three lovely children and my wife and I just separated earlier this summer. I was unemployed and my wife put me out and moved in with a workmate. I love my children. I recently found out my wife was pregnant again. This is her fifth pregnancy. My wife is part Bi-polar. I fear for my children. I myself, want to end my life since I feel I am an unproductive father. I feel my worth has declined. Reading this brought out a lot. I fear for my daughter and my sons. I don't understand why this had to happen. I wish them the best. I always dreamt of dancing in my daughters wedding. I GUESS I did, in my dreams. Atleast, I will always have that memory. If only I could talk to God and ask him why? ITS OVER.

moses said...

Hi chris,
I have no idea why I am writing this but I feel I have to. I have three lovely children and my wife and I just separated earlier this summer. I was unemployed and my wife put me out and moved in with a workmate. I love my children. I recently found out my wife was pregnant again. This is her fifth pregnancy. My wife is part Bi-polar. I fear for my children. I myself, want to end my life since I feel I am an unproductive father. I feel my worth has declined. Reading this brought out a lot. I fear for my daughter and my sons. I don't understand why this had to happen. I wish them the best. I always dreamt of dancing in my daughters wedding. I GUESS I did, in my dreams. Atleast, I will always have that memory. If only I could talk to God and ask him why? ITS OVER.

Anonymous said...

I too was moved to tears I am bipolar. A heroine addict,a whore,but I have a glimmer of hope... AYAHUASCA. Look up the benefits,amazing,I may just b normal without self medicating I'm lucky my sad is such an intelligentl man,he has dedicated his all to get me sober,my turn

Anonymous said...

To all the people thinking of Killing themselves, I request you take a trip to the nearest childrens hospital. Please walk through the halls and look at all the innocent lives fighting to be alive. Most will not make it, but they have one thing that all the people who have read this essay do not have...HOPE.. yes, four letter word, HOPE.. it is all you need to have.. Just believe tomorrow will be a better day.. and keep on. I was suicidal a couple of months ago.. I am glad I am still here.. the fear of death may have extended my life and now I have hope. Regardless of the rainy day, I believe sunshine is right around the corner. When you look at those little teary eyes full of medication, the hairless heads, and listen to the little sniffles, and understand their bodies are the ones giving up not their hearts. You will realize the gift that you have that you do not appreciate. Yes, someone may have let us down, Maybe we are not the prettiest, most successful people, but we are alive and none of us know what tomorrow will bring. You may be the next great person.. But if you take your life.. we will never get to see your greatness..

Leah said...

Thank you for shraing this. It's beautifully written and captures a realness that is hard to describe to someone who hasn't struggled with depression. My cousin/bff killed herself slowly. Living the lifestyle you depicted. She's been gone 5 years and I miss her everyday. I have been on this rollercoaster since then. Tonight, I googled how to kill yourself and ran acrossed this post. You see, my husband doesn't understand how someone could think this way or be so upset they wouldn't want to live. I tried to explain I wake up everyday trying to convince myself why I shouldn't feel like dying. I have 3 beautiful, amazing kids. They are the only reason I am still here. But my mind is telling me I need to leave them before they learn and understand the mental issues I deal with and it affects them too. I don't want help. I don't want attention. I want this constant war over life and death to end so I can be at peace. Whether that ends with me alive or dead is up for debate.

Leah said...

Thank you for shraing this. It's beautifully written and captures a realness that is hard to describe to someone who hasn't struggled with depression. My cousin/bff killed herself slowly. Living the lifestyle you depicted. She's been gone 5 years and I miss her everyday. I have been on this rollercoaster since then. Tonight, I googled how to kill yourself and ran acrossed this post. You see, my husband doesn't understand how someone could think this way or be so upset they wouldn't want to live. I tried to explain I wake up everyday trying to convince myself why I shouldn't feel like dying. I have 3 beautiful, amazing kids. They are the only reason I am still here. But my mind is telling me I need to leave them before they learn and understand the mental issues I deal with and it affects them too. I don't want help. I don't want attention. I want this constant war over life and death to end so I can be at peace. Whether that ends with me alive or dead is up for debate.

Leah said...

Thank you for shraing this. It's beautifully written and captures a realness that is hard to describe to someone who hasn't struggled with depression. My cousin/bff killed herself slowly. Living the lifestyle you depicted. She's been gone 5 years and I miss her everyday. I have been on this rollercoaster since then. Tonight, I googled how to kill yourself and ran acrossed this post. You see, my husband doesn't understand how someone could think this way or be so upset they wouldn't want to live. I tried to explain I wake up everyday trying to convince myself why I shouldn't feel like dying. I have 3 beautiful, amazing kids. They are the only reason I am still here. But my mind is telling me I need to leave them before they learn and understand the mental issues I deal with and it affects them too. I don't want help. I don't want attention. I want this constant war over life and death to end so I can be at peace. Whether that ends with me alive or dead is up for debate.

Kate said...

As Someone who has attempted suicide many times, this hit me hard. It is a beautiful piece of writing and i admire you for being able to put these feelings into words, because that's the one thing i struggle to do..

Anonymous said...

Hi,
Great piece! I love it its amazing 12. That's young. Then again, I'm 13 so only 1 year. It failed, but now this is how I see my life. On a bad day. Sometimes I have good days. Then I can look forward to the future. And smile. I think it will be good. But I can see the truth. All around me. Only when you know what it feels like do you see it. Look at peoples eyes. The one place you can't hide anything. You can smile. You can have a happy disposition. But you can't hide anything in your eyes. They are pools of truth. Windows to the soul. Look around you. But don't just look. See.

simon said...

Hey, I really like it. Your writing is beautiful, eloquent, concise. It reminds me of Lorrie Moore's "How to" stories, the narration - only darker. Perhaps your teacher thought it lacked closure. The reader deserves to see where you are going but it just kind of ends. From the perspective of a writer, I wanted to see more of who else you were, despite the pain, how you began to overcome this stuff. What if you wrote another one, from your current(healing?) perspective, showing us HOW you burned it? I think you could have a good novel on your hands, too. I hope you don't mind the criticism. I really like your writing. Congrats on stability, too!

simon said...

Hey, I really like it. Your writing is beautiful, eloquent, concise. It reminds me of Lorrie Moore's "How to" stories, the narration - only darker. Perhaps your teacher thought it lacked closure. The reader deserves to see where you are going but it just kind of ends. From the perspective of a writer, I wanted to see more of who else you were, despite the pain, how you began to overcome this stuff. What if you wrote another one, from your current(healing?) perspective, showing us HOW you burned it? I think you could have a good novel on your hands, too. I hope you don't mind the criticism. I really like your writing. Congrats on stability, too!

comfortably_numb said...

Thank you.
Although this is a little repetitive, I also stumbled upon this while googling "ways to kill yourself." I, like many of the other people who have commented, have haphazardly tried numerous times in the past...and yet I'm still here. Tonight I was set on offing myself and began searching frantically for the means to do it. And then I found this piece. I can relate with nearly everything you discussed--the drinking, drugs, toxic relationships, the insanity that runs in my veins. At first, I almost felt that reading it would drive me more towards offing myself. After reading the entire piece, as well as most of the comments, I felt sobered and a little less lonely. The pain is inevitable and its impossible for me (and you and most of those that commented) to control my moods. But knowing that there are many other people out there who understand that type of pain and suffering somehow slightly alleviates that pain. So, thank you for writing this piece and as a result, preventing any further pain or possible death that could have occurred for me.

chris olvera said...

very good choice of words.....its rare to find another soul in the same realm or dimension as me.....people think dimensions are huge or liveable, but in fact a dimension can be a little spec...one we go to when we need to escape this matrix, all in out brain...only existing to to each person or program in their own way....im tired of everything in my head....the greatest battle is not between good and evil, its between the heart and the brain
;)

Anonymous said...

My son was just diagnosed bipolar. I am trying so hard to understand what he is going through. He keeps describing his mind in deep dark places. Because of his illness, I have found myself thinking about suicide. I just wonder if it is going through his mind too. I don't know how to help him. He says he has to stay away from me because seeing what this is doing to me, makes him feel worse. I have started to hurt myself ... strange, it makes me feel better knowing I am suffering too. I am so afraid for him and myself too.

Anonymous said...

Hello everyone. This is my first time on this page. Does anyone know how long you would survive without any food or drink? Also does anyone know the name of a strong sleeping pill, and how many should you take to die? I would appreciate any help in this matter. Thank you. x

Anonymous said...

I love it! Thought its me writing it or you writing about me. I have a blog too, its dark and cynical and partially funny. Anyhow I can totally relate to it. And yea I also find your blog on google, looking for a simple way to die.

Rocsi Marciano said...

Btw I was the one who just posted.... I'm also a follower of your blog. Guess if you are bored you can find mine!?

tori said...

oh. my gosh... this was just amazing to read. Good for you to write something like this for a college class, and stand against what the teacher and students said. Power to ya.

Anonymous said...

I just want to say you are a person who's also like me. We write our best in sadness. Others cant and dont want to understand why? But for us its healing, a way not to commit the act. Once weve wrote our peace we can move on and forgive this messed up world and it leaves us feeling better about us and the world. were able to take in the sunshine and give it out to others. I came to this page feeling bad and now I'm leaving ready to write and put my peace on paper. I lost and forgot how to do this for a long time. Thank you

Anonymous said...

I am a whore.
I cheated on my boyfriend because he is amazing and i am unworthy of him,
I try and drive everything that is good away from me.
My friendships now at the best are flimsy.
I have began to isolate as you have spoken about.
The miscarriage I didn't know until too late, and don't give a fuck about.
The relationships where I become needy and eventually get hurt by driving them away. Starting arguments for no reason other then they don't understand and I want them to so desperately. I don't even think my family like me anymore.
Today I have decided I'm going to do it.
9 years of this fucking bullshit.
People thinking i'm attention seeking, I don't want their fucking attention I want some understanding. As i would bestow upon them.
People are just bad.
I'm failing uni, spending money I don't have, drinking myself into a stupor so for a measly hour I feel good about myself.
Until i knock out and wake up in a bad situation and the self loathing begins again two fold.
I don't know why I'm writing this.
I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

jj said...

i am 27 i have just been let out of hospital 5 days after an overdose .your story really touched me and sounds like my life .question is go round in circles or just straight give up .i want to die more than anything and the desire to do so blocks out all the feelings of those who i hold dear to me that would suffer if i were to die.does this make me selfish for wanting this feeling to stop or am i ultimatly doing the right thing so that they dont have to witness my depression anymore

jj said...

i thought that was amazing ,like i was reading my own life story.just got outa hospital today ,after an overdose was in there 5 days.is it easier to finnish yourself in 1 swift blow or to die slowly and painfully over many years.is it better to cause pain to everyone once and let them grow through it or is it better to allow them to suffer bouts of depreesion every few months with the fear of the inevitable on their minds

jj said...

kill me
now

Anonymous said...

You just told my life story, minus a few female things. How did this help to bury anything for you? Not the affect it had on me. Thank you for writing it though, it was mind blowing.

scarlet fever said...

i've read this for years and re read it off and on. i cant get out of this pattern you describe, i dont know what to do, there is hardly anything left inside me anymore.lf.

Anonymous said...

I shot myself 10 minutes ago and I'm still alive.....I'm getting kind of regretful. Blood's getting everywhere. It hurts. I should get to a hospital. I just don't care enough.

Rachel West said...

Hi Chris,
You really have made me feel better about me killing myself. I get where you're coming from. I am ready now. I'm glad I got to read this before I die.

Anonymous said...

I want to talk. But I don't want to at the same time. I feel disgusted. Not because of what I did, but because I remember that I enjoyed it. I'm a sick creep.

Anonymous said...

HELP ME PLEASE

Roses said...

Bipola people have a chemical inbalance in their brains. There are many ways of dealing with and treating the disorder but humans are unique-no one is the same therefore, finding a "cure" is 90% based upon the individual themselves. You must be determind to change and fight through the bad days and embrace the good ones. When a person is ready a lot of willpower is needed to live through the discomforts of medicine or if their will to live is strong take the holistic approach and do a 360° overhaul of their life.

Anonymous said...

I almost just cried. That is exactly how I feel every day. Somedays I wake up listening to happy music and feeling great, wind blowing through my hair, nothing could be better. But there is never a day when I dont get to this point. the point of feeling like "why did I think my life was great. Why wasnt i looking on the negative side of things. I never want to be happy because it never lasts. I would rather be sad and have a low standard so that more things seem to be better than they actually are, even when they are horrible. expect to be dead by the end of the day because you cant take living anymore. and then only tempt yourself by taking too many drugs and ending up in the hospital. only to wake up knowing that you have hurt yourself more than you would have if you had just taken that knife to your throat. now you have to live with it everyday. it is your excuse to hating yourself. you use that to always go back to and when you cry, you watch the tears fall form your eyes in the mirror. and in some weird way, you are happy again. because you accomplished exactly what you wanted to. you are unhappy. unwilling to try to make anything better. in the back of your mind you think about trying to make things change back to when you woke up. so you listen to a happy song. you cant last more than a few seconds into it before you give up and get even more mad at yourself for not even being able to try to be happy. So you drink. to get rid of the emotions. because those are the only things holding you back. but once you start to come back from the trip, and realize you have spent hours just layin on your floor staring at the celing. you start to cry. nothing is going to change. nothing will ever get better. you are worthless. i mean look at yourself. you just got drunk all alone. what are you trying to do?? prove to someone that you are cool?! no. so why the fuck did you just waste all that time sulking in your own shit, when you could have been outside enjoying the fresh air, maybe even feeling like you did that one morning. Then you remember why you chose to drink. because if you were outside, you still would have been alone. because you dont believe that anyone likes you, so you tell your self that all those people that you talk to...they arent your friends. they just feel bad for you. even though you dont want them to. you would rather be alone and in another world, than alone and sober enough to realize you are alone. so you dont call them up. and at the end of the day when you are still all alone, you remind yourself. "no one wanted to come see you" even though its because you didnt invite them, you dont dare let yourself know that. you keep telling yourself that you are a loser and all you do is sulk in self pity and try to make other people care. but when they do, you get mad because you dont want things to change. you want to live the life you are living. because you know, you know more than anyone else, that this world is nothing more than a huge continuous lie. nothing lasts, people dont actually care, and if you try, youre only wasting your time.

I started this post in the thought that I would just let you know how incredible your writing is. but i guess I couldn't stop. everything i have just said was a non stop type. and i have never been able to do that before. because i have never been able to understand myself like i have now.

Anonymous said...

I feel a little silly saying this, but... thank you. from the bottom of my heart. I mean this donesnt mean anything is going to change. but i think that little part in the back of my brain telling me that i can do better than all of this and that i deserve more and can be happy if i just try, just got a little bigger. maybe it will only stay this way for today. But at least I will always have the knowledge of it ever exsisting.

you have forever changed me. simply by sharing your thoughts and making me realize that maybe, juust maybe, things CAN change...and not just for the worst.

I was just so tired of hearing all those psychiatrists who think they know what the fuck i am trying to say. and when i say something, they just twist it all around and tell people something I wasn't trying to say at all. You have no idea how incredibly different i am feeling right now. i hope you have gone somewhere with this. because i honestly cant describe what it feels like to have thought you were the only one for 18 years, and to finally read something that feels like it is another you talking to yourself and explaining everything you have ever felt and not understood.

From the bottom of my heart. thank you.

Chris said...

To all of you who have read this, will read this, have commented, your responses continue to inspire me. I never like to hear that anyone has shared this dark place with me, but like so many have said, it is comforting to not be alone there. Hearing this solidarity makes me thankful that I never went through with it, that I kept going and found my way out. Leave your pain here. Share with kindred, tortured souls. Email me anytime at chris[dot]sexmis[at]gmail[dot]com. I still read every one of these comments, and I still respond to every one of the emails.

Anonymous said...

If this was a month ago. This would be a wonderful, creative piece, but the last month has drawn back every bit of pain accumulated throughout my life. And this has put it into perspective and has made me face reality.

Anonymous said...

Your pain sounds all too real I can help but recognize the patterns that all bi polar people have... I'm a guy and shots happened almost in that order..
I loved it.. Your writing is amazing I'm glade you got it out and killed it off in this satire your defiantly a string women who can move mountains.. You can't even imagine the similarity thank you

Anonymous said...

Wow this article inspired me. I'm 17 and this whole entire situation is exactly like mine. Thank you soooo much I feel a bit better because I know I'm not the only person feeling this way I think all I need is someone like you to talk about things. Again thank you

Anonymous said...

Wow. Just like Anonymous, I also googled "how to kill yourself slowly" because i really was looking for a poison to kill myself also. reading this post you described how i feel so perfectly. i tried to cut, but i'm a pussy i guess. i can't even get the knife to cut my skin realistically if that makes sense. i'm afraid of it so i just kind of rub the blade lightly back and forth until i get some kind of scar... i am veering toward starting to smoke cigarettes...they won't kill me in enough time though, but maybe they'll make me feel better. i smoke weed but that doesn't do much anymore. i've considered using different drugs but am scared of getting addicted and staying alive rather than overdosing and dying. i really don't know what to do, but i will say that writing this actually made me feel a bit better. i think i'll start by smoking cigarettes. in case anyone is curious i am a 29 yr old southern cali woman, no kids, not married, good paying job but very stressful. all my money now goes to weed so i don't even pay my bills anymore because i have given up. no health insurance, no money to get help or therapy or anything. my life is fucked. i did this to myself...i'm sorry this is so long, i just ramble on and put my thoughts out there as they come across my head...no one will probably ever read this or care...but i'm used to it...i sound crazy i'm sure...i just wish i had someone to talk to. this is all i can do.

Chris said...

Anon (most recent and all of you), please feel free to email me at any time at chris[dot]sexmis[at]gmail[dot]com. I am here to listen.

Best, Chris

Anonymous said...

Kinda funny, also found this when I googled 'howtokillmyself'. And, beside the fact that I am male and some related details, I feel like this is my life. At many parts I felt a shiver run down my spine and smiled in some form of beatiful agony. I'm astounded how much your words describe it exactly, every thought and feeling is there. Really great work, glad to hear that you managed to deal with your problems.

Was good to be distracted while reading it and writing this. Back to the old plan !

depressed said...

the slowest way NOT to kill yourself, but a well written piece...

depressed said...

the slowest way NOT to kill yourself, but a well written piece...

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Anonymous said...

You truly have a way with words.I feel like you just described how I feel on a daily basis and I can't help but read this almost every night before I go to sleep. I guess you could say that I have a hard life. My mom went crazy about this time last year and has been a drug abuser before. My stepped died about 3 years ago and I always have a guilty nagging in the back of my head that it was my fault that he died. My mom verbally abused me. It started about 2 years ago hardcore but she did have multiple attempts at it when I was younger. I was shipped off to live with my dad because it would be considered safer. But he ruined Christmas because he cut it short. Me and my sister's are all split up and I fear that I have become the forgotten child. My life is miserable on a day to day basis and I just felt the need to tell some one.

Anonymous said...

hi ok... I feel like a retard. I'm ,12yrs old and my name is Kayla.I attempted suicide 3 Times because my parents left me when I was really little and I was raped. since I was raped I've had constant boyfriends to cover the pain and people call me a slut for it. I cry myself to sleep and me and my boyfriend broke up and I was so sad because I actually loved him but he cheated on me with my cousin. I moved back in with my dad and step mom when I was 10 so now I have a step mom to deal with, and it anoys me that she thinks she's my mom my biological mother is a drug addict and was a prostitute. I found that out at the age of 5. she would bring me with her to her "jobs" and leave me in the car or outside the door. I'm so depressed. help? I'm considering suiside.

Anonymous said...

did I mention I'm bipolar?

Anonymous said...

This is wonderful and explains a breakdown perfectly. I too am bipolar (2). I had a complete breakdown in 2006, and now I'm in another, it began twelve months ago and I'm still yet to see the light out the other side. Do you feel that because you've gone through this once that it will never happen to you again? It's hard to fight through the breakdowns, when I know (for me) that they are going to continue on and off for the rest of my existence. I am female, and 37.

I really loved this piece, you captured the emotions perfectly.

Rach

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Sad Guy said...

I think your writing is beautiful. If you can find the will to live and be a productive person, that's great. I don't know you, but I sincerely hope the best for you.
But for me, there's no future. I'm killing myself slowly. I'm doing this eating junk food consistently. Recently I decided that I can't wait anymore. I have to speed up the process without anyone noticing that I'm doin it. I'm a 40 year old loser. I hate my job and people there hate me. I have no friends and I never had. I don't know how to relate to people or to this sad world. I never found joy in living and I've always hoped for death. Last year I lost my mother to cancer and it encouraged me even more to die as soon as possible. I don't believe in a God. I don't believe in anything. I don't think there's an afterlife. I just want to disappear and never be remembered.

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Anonymous said...

Argh everyone is a fricking attention seeker. People who express their mental illness so much just want attention. OP you never REALLY wanted to die otherwise you'd be dead. Sick of people halfheartedly trying to take their lives knowing that it won't work but will make you feel like a victim and broadcasting it will get one the attention/pity they want. I Googled how to commit suicide successfully and this came up 10 minutes of my worthless life wasted even more bleh

Anonymous said...

Best method: kill yourself, while masturbating and hanging slowly at the same time

weirdgirl said...

I absolutely love this writing. In my class I'm actually have a reputation for dark realistic writing. I love the metaphors you use. My mom has bipolar too and it's so hard. With the mood swings and all especially when she's depressed. Plus I have schizophrenia which makes it even harder. But I love this. Good job

Gat said...

I am 50 yrs old I have a job I hate the government rules with social security I am trying to break free. Saturday I got a letter now about my medical insurance from social security, I am in electric wheelchair can not walk and live in assistanced living. I try to be more my self and this world and government punches me in my gut. Sick and tired of fighting this I have been fighting most of my life. I will keep working I love my job. Only thing is if I lose my disability insurance that could push me over. Fighting for everything trying to explain why? What? And why’s to other people not only wearing me out. Fighting life all the time I can not take much more, I have done the fighting mentally I want this pain to end in my life. When you are dead there is no pain for you. Understand the pain I would leave behind, no one will never or will ever understand my pain of fighting life. Why? Should I have too endure the pain with my health, government all the others I must deal that can not understand nor being to understand. Me not of this life would better my pain with fighting life, doctors and others who take care me would end. I have not plan anything yet,although my thoughts are starting to convince me it would be better. Wish I did not feel like that, my life is not great at this time health issues, blood thinners and doctors this is only half if that. I know most would say you are working. Okay, so if I can not get medical insurance and afford it I am good as dead. I am on blood thinners I have to have. Some meds cost a lot money this whole thing sucks I am trying.
ggodorov1@gmail.com email me if you want.

Just can not promise hoe long I can hold off, if that disability insurance does go I will not have a place. I will kill myself before I live on the streets. Health wise I would not make it.

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