Thursday, August 03, 2006

WRITING: how to kill yourself slowly

I have decided to post this piece of writing on this blog. I'm not entirely sure why I decided this now. I wrote this piece for my nonfiction creative writing class a couple years ago in college. It caused quite a bit of controversy. I wrote it as a satire, but no one really got that. I wrote it to mock and bury all my old shit and my old mentality. It was my goodbye to it by making fun of it. My close friends got it; the class went off; my teacher demanded a happy ending; it made my fuck buddy physically ill. But I am going to post it as I originally wrote it. It is my favorite piece of my own writing. I would like to point out that this is ALL PAST, and I have dealt with and resolved most of it. Consider this my disclaimer...

How to Kill Yourself Slowly
A Satire

There are so many ways to kill yourself without taking a razor to your wrist or tightening the noose around your neck. The secret beauty lies in the indirect methods. You want to savor your pain, taste your own decay, and kill yourself slowly.

The process should be started when you are young and weak, ignorant. A preexisting mental disorder or a trauma is helpful, but the twisting dance of both intertwining together is best. Maybe crazy is in your blood, passed down the line from a great-grandmother that spent her adult life tied down and shocked senseless in a mental hospital. The legacy of mental illness snakes silently through your genes, only visible in the awkward interactions at family get-togethers. Insanity is painted in the wrinkles of all of their repressed faces. Never say crazy. You can never say the word crazy. Their swirling disease now pounds through your mind, taints your world. But you don’t discover this sickness until your world has abruptly been ripped apart. Maybe your entire childhood was a jumble of shifting illusions teetering on a framework of lies that suddenly crashes down in one breath to expose an ugly reality. The life you thought you had vanishes. It did not exist. Your parents never loved each other; they thought kids would make it better. You were born to save a failing marriage. You find out from your mother’s journal two weeks before she moves out.

You can use your mother’s nervous breakdowns as an example. Hear the slamming door and the stifled sobs from the other side. Watch her tiny body tremble, face turn deep red, small hands clench until the knuckles are a ghastly white. Listen to the tones of her incoherent babblings to herself, up and down, screeching, moaning. See her crumble on the stairs or the kitchen floor in a frantic fit of tears. Her body convulses. This is a good path to follow, an easy plummet to the bottom.

A failed suicide attempt at the age of twelve with your mother and sister arguing in the other room will get you closer to death than you could imagine. You need to nurture a blind hatred of your life and everything in it, blot out the sun with the thick, warm pessimism that nothing will ever get better. Embrace your own darkness and depression. A morbid fascination is comforting. You want to turn yourself completely over to your disease. Trust the distorted and deformed thoughts that seize your mind. Yes, you are worthless. Yes, no one gives a shit about you. Yes, you want to die. Let the black emotions that taint your veins consume you. Curl up with hatred and sadness. Make sure any flicker of hope is snuffed out. Your mind is no longer your own. You look into the mirror and see a stranger behind the glass, laughing and tormenting you. Her voice lacerates your mind. You begin to hallucinate sober. See your own slashed arms held before your eyes. Watch the walls bleed.

People can ruin this plan. Support from others can weaken your conviction. You cannot want to be helped or saved. Start by developing a horrible relationship with your father who you loved so dearly in childhood. He is the man who coached your elementary school softball team, who watched your first horror movie with you, who even would play Barbies if no one was looking. But he will become unrecognizable to you – a stranger in the shell of your dad. Perhaps begin by fighting with him about moving his girlfriend in. He lied about her for months. She has the biggest ass you have ever seen; she tries to be your mother but is scared of you, as she should be. Scrape and claw for your lost father and a glimmer of the relationship you once had until he is telling you at least once a week how worthless you are and how you are fucking up his life. He watches stone-faced as you cry and again try to convince him to care about you. You pick at the gray comforter on your bed and beg him to please, just once, tell you that he loves you. He looks at you and walks out. No emotion; he must never show emotion, just like his father. Only you bring out the hidden temper and a stinging backhand from him. Maybe also get disowned by his family twice – for having a party at his house while he is out of town and for being a horrible daughter and person to him, their golden boy. Make sure your family devalues and ignores you and your problems.

You should also get close to friends who will abandon you. They will leave you for boyfriends, girlfriends, new people, anything to get away from you. They say that you are too fucked up and need to get over yourself. Become dependant on one person who will tell you she can’t deal with this when you finally ask for help. She cannot even say this to your face; she writes it down in her illegible handwriting during class. You can barely make out the words with the tears blinding you. You actually trusted her; you thought you could. She was the only person you had cried out to. You were fucking up her life too. Take this as proof that you should never ask for help. Instead surround yourself with people who do not care about or notice you except for a few shining individuals who will stop you from taking a swan dive into the asphalt but will overlook a few destructive behaviors. Your disease goes unnoticed here. They joke about it with you. You are not too much for them to deal with; you are nothing to them.

You need to have sex with assholes. This is vital. Lay down for the kind of man your father has become. They don’t want you. They are drunk, and your more attractive friends are already taken. High school dropouts with bullshit jobs who only drink constantly or peddle their drugs: baggy clothes, disheveled hair beneath a hat, glazed over eyes, tattoos, calloused hands, the smell of hours of laying carpet or tossing beer cases. Taste the alcohol and cigarettes on their tongues and follow them into the room. You pretend to fall for their pathetic lines, a blur of syllables you only know to be false, but you are just using them too. Dragging you into the bathroom in the middle of a case of beer. Phone calls at 2 a.m. telling you to come over when they are already trashed. A motel room you barely remember. Let them ignore you afterwards; let them treat you like shit. Have sex that makes you hate yourself. You feel nothing anyways.

Live in dangerous distractions. Find the joy in destructive behaviors. Drinking will poison your liver and amplify your disease. Dark depression will become overwhelming as the balancing cycles of mania are repressed by the alcohol. Any rational thought is washed away, and your control dissolves. You are perpetually lost and disoriented in a rotating world of the same faces and anonymous parties. There is no reality. You will also need a healthy addiction to smoking. About a half of a pack of menthol lights a day should blacken your lungs nicely and get the cancer going. You use smoking as a crutch – angry, smoke; sad, smoke; bored, smoke. Painkillers also nibble at your liver and bring a distortion to your mind. You convince multiple doctors to prescribe them to you until you are red-flagged for Vicoden, or you get them from people at parties. It is a quiet addiction where having a curved spine and uneven legs are a perfect explanation. You must even eat fatty and salty food in excess and refuse exercise. Five packets of salt on your fries. Tell people that you are trying to kill yourself slowly in as many ways as possible. Jokes dispel concern.

But most importantly, you have to discover self-mutilation as a way to cope with the controlling, overpowering pain inside you. You feel the tingling below your flesh, are saturated by the screaming thoughts in your mind, listen to your strange reflection’s persuasive words. Do it. Just once. It will make it all go away. It will make you feel better. Burns at first because you are too terrified by what you are doing to yourself. A curling iron, a lighter, cigarettes. Your trembling hand then the bite of the heat and goosebumps racing over your skin. Then you embrace the behavior and move on to cutting. It is a beautiful transition, as if you had been a cutter all your life. Your hands quiver until you fall into that heavy trance. The world falls silent except for your thumping heart. The sharp knife twitches in your hand. An awkward, tentative cut then another – deeper, deeper, always in a line. Your body disappears; you feel nothing but the slice and the thick tranquility to follow, letting the blood escape in front of the other in the mirror. She always smiles.

You need to lie to disguise all of these distractions. Tell your parents you’re working or staying at a friend’s house when you are out drinking or having meaningless sex. The cigarettes and the smell are your friend’s, not yours. The burns are from the popcorn popper at work. You convince yourself that your lies are true in front of your parents. If they question you, you get so enraged that they simply believe you. You learn to lie fluently; it becomes easier than the truth.

Cradle all the consequences of your destructive behaviors close to you. You need to dwell on every one, turn it on yourself, blame yourself completely. Make decisions that you can torture yourself over for years. They are excuses to hate yourself, reasons to be fucked up. You go back to bed with the same men or always the same type of men. They don’t care about you, and you feel dead inside. It must be because you’re worthless; it must be because you’re not good enough for better. You miscarry a child before you know you are pregnant. You must have drank it to death; it must have rejected your body. You take the wrong drink from a guy and are too drunk to fight back when he pushes himself on you. You must have drank too much; you must have let him. It all has to be your fault. Perpetuate your self-loathing, and dive deeper into your disease.

Above all, you must resist help in any form. You need to distance the few who care about you. Shove them away. Isolate yourself, and wrap yourself up in your pain. Refuse therapy of any kind even when your mother forces you to go as a child and attempts to bribe you with $50 as an adolescent. Don’t trust the friends who swear they won’t leave, promise they aren’t scared off by your insanity, and tell you that you really do matter. You must never talk or cry out no matter how desperately the words of a thousand expressions press on your teeth and try to escape off your tongue. Restrain your tongue; bar your mouth. Let it all fester and grow silently like a cancer inside you, killing you slowly.

315 comments:

1 – 200 of 315   Newer›   Newest»
Paperback Writer said...

Damn.

I love it, but I can see why your teacher demanded a happy ending and why your class freaked out.

In writing classes, people expect the pieces they write about to have something (mostly a lot) of the writer in it. And from what I'm sensing they thought this was real.

I wouldn't necessarily call it a satire, but I think I know where you were trying to go with it.

Like I said, I love it. I think you should try to find some place to publish it. And now that I know you have another blog where you write stories and stuff I'll be back.

;)

Christina said...

Yay! Thank you. I really respect your feedback.

Anonymous said...

i found your blog when i googled hot to kill yourself slowly. because i really wanted to kill my self slowly like poison or something

i can't stop crying because you just narrated my life to me

oh hell who knows what the hell to do danymore

Chris said...

Anon, I am so sorry you related to this piece. I wish you had left an email or a link or something for me. I hope that you do not go through with poisoning yourself. Having been suicidal, I don't regret failing. Please email me if you want to talk or vent about it.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you just shouldn't write shit like this.
I have a hard enough time trying to tell myself I'm not suicidal, and now
I see this lengthy written thing....
Why did you invest so much energy and thought into it?
I didn't even read all of it.
I don't care enough.

Chris said...

Anon, I am sorry this piece affected you this way. I wrote it to bury everything it talks about, to put that whole dark time of my life behind me. I purged myself of my suicidal thoughts by writing them out. I hope you see the other side of your darkness. Email me if I can help.

Dennis said...

beautiful writing... you capture the mindstate perfectly.. confirmed for me clearly the futility of such actions.. made me feel better,

Thank you...

Chris said...

Dennis, I am so glad to hear that! Thank you. And welcome to my mind.

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I don't know you, but I just googled how to kill yourself after popping a couple of Klonopins and drying to figure out the right dosage of those and liquor. For the future: I wanted to rent a hotel room for two days, put up the "Do Not Disturb" sign up. I think I have perpetuated behaviors that make me feel worthless. Sex sex meaningless sex trying to fuck it all away: the abortion and the boy who dumped me. Before, I avoided killing myself because then my parents would have pay the cosign on my loans. Instead I just keep taking the prescriptions, I've got enough for two weeks of good days and then pot to get me through and then when that runs out I'll get some alcohol and if there's none of that I'll stop sleeping alone. Which is doing it slowly. But one day I want to examine the problems and believe in the future. I think wanting to do so is enough, but until then I'm just trying to operate under a similar subterfuge as this post - the haze the Vicodin the liquors the amphetamines, the friends that steal your drugs and the people in your childhood who have hurt you and they cameo and cameo and the mania and subsequent depression with doomed relationships. But I want to believe in something beyond my near existence, my daily routine. I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I can recognize something in this that I see in myself, something that makes me pause for a moment and bookmark it, read it again sober and start to... do something.

Chris said...

Anon, I am sorry. Clearly, you know I understand how you feel. I hope that my words don't inspire you to act on your suicidal impulses. I mean I felt all of that so vividly; I truly did want to die, but it did get better. I am now very happy. Nothing is permanent. I wish you would have left an email address for me to contact you at, but please feel free to talk to me if you need to. I've been there. I hope you can find your way.

Anonymous said...

MY ONLY BOY AND CHILD IS IN BAGHDAD AND MY HUSBAND THINKS IM A BITCH
i FEEL LIKE GOD OR WHATEVER HAS LEFT ME BEHIND I CAN DO NO RIGHT WHAT IS LEFT ...HELP ME

Chris said...

Anon, I am so sorry. I would love to help you. Email me. Give me a way to contact you.

carla said...

I CAN SEE MYSELF REFLECTING ON THIS , I AM SO SAD AND I WISH I COULD KNOW WHY , NOW I REALIZE THAT IAM KILLING MYSELF SLOWLY , I HOPE ....

Chris said...

Carla, I am so sorry you feel that way. Killing yourself slowly is no way to live. It was killing me, so I stopped; I changed. I hope you can do the same. Email me if you want.

Marina said...

Chris,

wow that is a very deep piece you worote. My sister is bipolar and is going through probally the worst time right now. She has been in and out of the hospital for attemptem suicide and is a battle we fight daily. She cries everyday and threatens to kill herself again. Her husband left her and she lives with my mom now since she cant be left alone. Please give me any advice that would help Im desperate I feel that Im loosing my sister and am tied down hopeless. I cry everyday and pray that God will save her but the reality is that I need her to be ok and I dont know what to do....

Chris said...

Marina, I'm so sorry that you are dealing with that. I imagine it is quite difficult to witness. I feel for your sister, and I am more than happy to help you help her. Email me at chris[dot]sexmis[at]gmail[dot]com, and I'll give you all the advice I have.

Anonymous said...

It's funny because it's so true. You capture a nervous breakdown perfectly.

Chris said...

Anon, thank you very much. I'm glad I painted an accurate picture.

nh said...

Hi Chris,

I just discovered your blog today, I think your work is amazing, especially this piece. There are so many parts of this are similar to what I am going through, I guess it helps to see your not alone.

But I am especially interested in knowing how you got better, I have a few questions for you and if possible could I email them to you? My email is : nh27299@hotmail.co.uk

N

Chris said...

NH, I tried to email you, but the server kicked it back to me. I would love to talk about and answer any questions you may have about this. Why don't you try emailing me? chris[dot]sexmis[at]gmail[dot]com I hope to hear from you soon.

Lou-lou said...

I feel like this piece described me.I dont have to commit suicide.Ill just eventually die slowly.

tanoshimi said...

i felt that this piece of writin juz spoke to me..do the writer feels that life is really nothing? i wonder how can he/she write such a deep, meaningful article..


honestly, i love it..i really do..

Chris said...

LL, we will all die slowly eventually. But yes, you can speed it up a little with self-destructive behaviors. Slow suicide. And I embraced them completely when I was there. I'm glad that my outlook changed, and I hope that yours does too. Hating life is a hard way to survive it.

T, thank you. I appreciate the compliment. I can say that I was in the mindset the piece was written about, I did feel life was worthless. However, when I wrote it and had perspective on it all, I no longer felt that way. The intense low made me appreciate life when I was out of it.

Anonymous said...

i cannot even finish reading this, it's like you took my life and are wtahcing me and know me i havent cried like this for awhile im so distressed pleae take this off the net i can only imagine wht other might get from it too

Anonymous said...

Why don't all of yo attention fiends shut up...maybe no one gives you the attention you want, because all you do is whine about how pathetic your lives seemingly are. You have no clue how much worse your lives can be...chill the hell out and think about that...

Chris said...

Anon1, I'm sorry. I will not be removing the post. I apologize that the words caused such an emotional reaction in you, but this is my blog, to express my life how I want. I doubt my words can inspire anyone to do anything they weren't already going to do before reading.

Anon2, it is true. Life can always get worse. But that doesn't negate the pain people feel. Hell is all perspective.

Wolfgang said...

Hmm... very interesting Satire. I see nothing but beauty in the writing. Reminds me of a piece I read earlier today, well done Chris.

Chris said...

Thank you very much, Wolfgang. I appreciate the compliment.

Anonymous said...

I tried to kill myself, but i apparently didnt take enough pills, i was only unable to breathe for 40 secs, i now realise that that is not a fun way to kill your self. However you gave me a new idea of how to kill myself, drink myself to death, its not that hard, i researched it. Thanks for the idea, and the wonderful story that came with it.
PS
I dont want to kill my self only because i hate life, but also because Im curious to see whats after, and if there is reincarnation. Ive go t nothing to loose. Nyway i know some people that might be interested in ur writing u can email me at diskblade36@yahoo.com if ur interested and if im still alive.

Andrew said...

This is amazing. You perfectly described the entire mindset. I have been suicidal off and on for the past two years.

I've tried so many times and failed. Nowadays I'm more para-suicidal, which is pretty much half-assed suicide attempts, not to kill yourself but to make yourself feel better, because of chemicals that arm released by hormones when your body is injured.

Sometimes I wish I could kill myself, but I just don't really know anymore. Things change, and usualy they change pretty fast

Chris said...

Anon, I emailed you.

Andrew, thank you. I too indulged fully in self-mutilation and self-destructive behavior, which is what the piece is all about. And you have it exactly right; things change constantly and quickly. I used to feel everything I wrote here, but now I am in a different, happier, non suicidal place. Suicide is too much of a commitment for the reality of how life is.

Anonymous said...

there's no such thing as bi-polar. there's the real you with real needs that has been hurt and there's the judgemental voice you've created to protect the you that has needs. two poles. bi-polar.

solution? realize that life is dealing with feelings that you don't like...feeling down? go for a run, go for a run you've just made yourself feel better....feel like crying? cry your eyes out...it's good medicine and bam you've just gotten rid of some of that pain you've been repressing....

what is the goal? life.....what is the pay off? there is no pay off...it's life....

one day you may master yourself...but if you seek it, you've set yourself back...

so, live life, for life....seemple....

and as robert downey jr says, "look back 400 years or further and you'll find all the tools you need for coping with the modern world"

Chris said...

Anon, I have to say, I find your comment somewhat condescending and judgmental. Perhaps you should have chosen a more recent post to evaluate me on, rather than a glimpse of me four years ago in my darkest time. I have mastered myself; I am aware of and embrace my emotions and needs completely. I do run; I do cry; I do live simply. And I am bipolar. The disorder is not a made up label for some form of self-denial. It is what I am, as much as the emotions and needs I am very aware of.

NancyNarcotics said...

what a....woah.i dont even know what to say,im sitting here like "thats Me",thankyou for this peice its funny in a way it gives hope asi know im not alone,even though it may feel that way.i highly respect myou as a writer thankyou

Chris said...

NN, thank you for the compliment. I'm glad you see the humor. And don't feel alone; it will get better.

Anonymous said...

Wow... very interesting. Your past situation is much like my current.

with a few differences...for one you are a girl. you smoke cigs for your crutch and I smoke weed...weed has a much stronger impact on your state of mind when your angry, bored, depressed.

Also your sex thing...you had meaningless sex all the time...where as I haven't been with a woman in 3 years... and its killing me..slowly. everyday is harder and I could not feel more alone.

everything you said about friends was spot on

one more thing...I did cry about one part of your satire. It was when you mentioned the miscarriage and the way you described how the child possible died through drinking/drugs or just rejecting your body. I can not imagine the pain that would bring. I am quite sure that if that happened to a woman I was with it would break me.

Let alone if the child was actually growing inside of me...

truly you have a powerful spirit for overcoming such a life...many would have failed where you have triumphed.

I greatly thank-you for sharing your story...I can only hope it helps me..it is to soon to tell.

Your teacher demanded a happy ending. But in the grand scheme of things the fact that the story does not end is the happy part.

Chris said...

Anon,

"Your teacher demanded a happy ending. But in the grand scheme of things the fact that the story does not end is the happy part."

Yes, exactly. I'm so glad you said that. It is perfect for what I always meant about it. I wish you had been in my critique.

There have been dark and painful times in my past, and I embraced them in my satire. I let them go, and I buried them. But like you said, I made it through and got to a whole new life. I think you will too. It's always better to live it out and see where it goes.

Anonymous said...

Wow- I've been in therapy and on medication for five years. Nothing thus far has worked. I get better for a short period and then I always sink back into the gloom. I spend class periods and days fantizing about how to kill myself in the most painful possible becuase that's what I deserve. Some days I feel like I start to like something about myself but then I just hate myself for trying to get better and get in the way of my goal of dying. I just want someone to look me in the face and say, "Do it, kill yourself. It's about time. You're worthless and everyone who has tried to tell you otherwise is full of shit and a liar!" I've tried to committ suicide twice already. Once almost worked but they restarted my heart. Why can't anyone just tell me the truth? That I should be dead already. Will life ever get completely better? Why isn't anything working? Is it karma that I am still drowning in self-loathing even after all these years of seeking help?
I have bipolar 2 rapid cycling and I feel like the moodiest person on the planet. When I look in the mirror I don't know my reflection. Your story really moved me but I don't know if is just making me more depressed. It was really beautiful writing and very unique to see a story in the second person. I feel even more selfish and terrible though because if that is the life you have had to go through, you've had serious external pain. Me on the other hand have had the stereotypical perfect life and yet I still want to die.

ashley r said...

after reading this it made me feel somekind of way. i really feel bad for people who think this way but in away i feel they same way sometime...i sometimes think about doin this to myself...and my boyfriend is even worse than me he always wants to kill his self and i guess it kinds rubed off on to me

Imi said...

This is so beautiful. Really really beautiful.

I'm crying. But there is really no need to be sorry. I'm crying because I can see my life just as you told yours. But it's in the past. I think it makes me happy. I'm not really sure of anything right now, but I think i'm crying because it's so beautiful and touching.

I am 15. I wrote something for my english too a while ago about my past. I think my teacher kinda guessed it was me, even though it was in 3rd person. But I can't write about something I can't feel. I have to write about myself or a friend. It's stupid that your teacher wants a happy ending. You write from the heart, and submit what you want, not what they want to read. They obviously don't get it. I'm glad they don't because they probably haven't been there, but still, why do people have to be so shallow and ruin something with so much heart in it?

I can't get over how beautiful this really is. I want to write now. You've inspired me. Today I wrote a suicide note, although I don't think I was going to act on it. I just wanted to let things out. Now you've inspired me to write something beautiful, and let things be in the past. Thank you.

You write so breathtakingly. So beautiful. So stunningly. I love it. I wish I could write like you.

I love this piece and I love 'Beautiful' too. They both relate to me in someway. You write so beautifully, you have such personality and beauty on the inside is a lot more important. The best mirrors and reflections are friends who know us and understand us. I believe the only people who can truely judge us are the ones that know our story and our soul.

Sorry for such a long comment. Just, your writing really moves me. Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece, and all your works. All the best in the future,

Love from Imi ♥

no reason is left said...

what kind of world is this ? someone wants to die and other wants to save his/her life.........sometimes its been pretty hard to accept the truth ...to stand in front of that bastard truth which gonna send us on that place from where we cant take back step.....like other peoples here me too a victim of this dirty truth ......but ma problem is not too big as you peoples have....but still now i dont want to live anymore..........i just want to go in a very dark silence ....where nobody can say ma name ..i just want to loose ma identity ......plz god help me

Chris said...

Anon, pain is all relative. There is no perfect life. What makes someone happy may make another miserable. No one can tell you that you're upset or suicidal for no good reason. Feel what you feel; denying it only makes it worse. Now please feel free to email me at chris[dot]sexmis[at]gmail[dot]com, and I will talk with you about this and help you in any way I can.

Ashley, being around suicidal people can definitely have an effect. Sometimes you fall into similar thinking; sometimes you get scared; sometimes you're repulsed. I think everyone thinks about dying sometimes. It's normal since we can die. But even as you help your boyfriend, you have to take care of yourself too.

Imi, thank you very much for the compliments. I appreciate them greatly. I'm also glad that my writing moved you. We all need to know just how dark it can get and just what depths we can come back from. I hope you find a place free of suicide notes soon. Feel free to email me.

NNiL, I am sorry you feel so hopeless. I have been there myself, wanting to abandon my life and my identity and anything and everything just for things to be different. It's a painful place. All I can say is that in my experience, nothing is permanent enough for suicide. I hope things improve for you soon.

Anonymous said...

I feel like having a cheese sandwich. Thanks for the info on Emos. It made me understand that even if they are depressing and listen to shit music that it's actually because they all have mental diseases. Maybe things aren't so bad after all.

Stephen said...

Amazing.

I have had this bookmarked for quite a while now and I still love it. Every little bit of it has so much emotion throughout it. I currently am going through a process for diagnosis of whatever is wrong with me. So far they think it's either manic depressive or depression alongside anxiety. Your blog is a favourite of mine, and it always will be.

Chris said...

Stephen, thank you very much. I appreciate the compliment. I wish you luck on your diagnosis.

Anonymous said...

Helluva writer!

Anonymous said...

hmmmmmmmmmmm suicide seemed so many times like an answer or was it a trendy rock star momentum i don't know. some times my life seems hard others reall easy, but most of the times scary. so many things run trougth my mind and im afraid of letting them out because i think that i would lose the people i love... ( istoped wriiting for i'm crying now and continuing would be like looking at vomit in the toilet)..... theres this little voice inside of me that says that i can make it but theres also this large voice that keeps hissing that this is wath i want and worked for it and waths killing me is figuring out whos rigth....killing yourself slowly is not an easy thing to do, it takes a lot of work, percevierence and sleepless nigth... so wath do you want to spend your life on?! kiling yourself slowly or living it? (filipevintena@hotmail.com)

Chris said...

Anon1, thank you very much.

Anon2, I am really living my life. My lethargic suicide methods are part of an old life that I have moved on from. Listen to the voice who says you can make it.

Anonymous said...

Wow! I have for as long as I can remember felt the things that you wrote. I am now 45 years old and still feeling the same. I have taken anti depressants in the past only to feel nothing. Better off dead than to feel nothing at all so I stopped taking them. My reality is I hate myself, I have nothing that I can contribute to this world, I am useless and worthless. I stay because I have 3 small children that need a mother. I never talk about my true feelings to anyone. I always try to act like everyone else...normal. I'm sorry that there are others feeling the same pain and me.

Anonymous said...

This is SIMPLY amazing.

Chris said...

Anon1, I'm sorry you feel that way. I have been there. I understand how much it hurts. But it is possible to find your way out. I resolved mine, so I hope that you too can resolve yours.

Anon2, thank you so much :)

Anonymous said...

Wow.
I found this blog by looking up, "how to kill yourself," trying to find a sure fire way to finally end my poor excuse for a life, instead of just taking too many pain killers and winding up in hospital again.
But when I read this, something inside of me clicked, I still don't know whether it clicked in a good way or a bad way, but I am thankful that you posted this. You've described entirely what I've been going through for the last 8 years.
I don't really know what else to say other than I think this is a truly beautiful piece of writing.
Thankyou,
Gemma.

Chris said...

Gemma, thank you for your compliments. I am glad my piece had an effect on you, but I hope that it was for the good. I hope, if nothing else, that one can come up from the bottom and survive, no longer want to commit suicide. Always feel free to drop me an email.

Anonymous said...

i can relate to your peice. i've pushed and pushed people to hate me, just so that they'll leave me alone.
i make my self worthless everyday. and i'm happy about it.

Chris said...

Anon, I'm sorry you relate to my darker time. But if you're happy to push people away, push. It is your life to live.

Anonymous said...

Chris-

I respect your piece that you have posted.
As I scrolled down reading the passages of so many who relate to you, it makes me so sad.
While some believe that Bi-polar is a cry for attention and a false diagnosis, and others believe that narcotics and psychotherapy will help ease the pain, I feel there is some sort of medium out there to explain why so many are unhappy.
It is very hard for us as humans to not be in FULL control of our lives. Others, (dads, moms, boyfriends, friends, girlfriends, co-workers, sisters, brothers, neighbors,teachers, etc.) have such an INFLUENCE on how WE perceive ourselves that the negativity gets to our minds. Eventually we start BELIEVING we are NOTHING, that WE ARE BAD, or NOT WORTH the life we have been given. These people who make you feel this way are TOXIC. Eliminating them out of your life, eliminating their negativity will help you to the road of recovery.
There is a LIGHT at the end of the tunnel, and the journey starts with loving yourself.
I work with people who are mentally challenged and they seem to have this innocence about them. Some part of their brain doesn't let them notice other's perceptions of them. And they have this uncontrollable gift for forgiving those who have been mean to them. I admire their quality to ignore these people and love themselves and others and keep pushing on in life no matter what.

Maybe we all should take a lesson from others and get back to the old saying "treat others how you would want to be treated."

Congratulations on you suceeding your hard journey. May God bless you and may God watch over those who feel helpless.

Chris said...

Anon, thank you very much. Your insights are fascinating. I did find my way out, and I'm so happy I did.

Anonymous said...

You sick sadastik person how could you write this people are out there that are suicidal thats a very terrible place to be what you write is wrong suicide is never NEVER the awnser there is always hope no matter what you think this is HOPE!!!!!!! deppression is the horror of hell

Rooty said...

Yep, sounds like college to me. I'm still transitioning to the real world. College was a haze of weed, acohol, and a few other things occasionally. After a week of binge drinking on vacation I would seriously want to kill myself. Now I've graduated and haven't gotten any job using my degree, just manufacturing which I could have done out of high school. I wish I could go back and work here straight out of high school and have them pay for classes while I work my way up. I feel like I just waisted so much time in college I kick myself for it because it takes a toll.

Chris said...

Anon, I know what depression is. I have spent a good deal of my short life there. And I also know there is hope. That's what this post is about for me. This WAS my darkness; this is me burying it. No one knows better than me that you can survive suicide.

Rooty, yeah it's hard for college to feel like a waste. It's hard to see any part of life as a waste. Hopefully, the career will pick up, and the college years can just be the experience.

Anonymous said...

Very good it describes my life to a T as well. If I can just pull the trigger.

Chris said...

Anon, I have to say. I have been here, and I didn't pull the trigger, and I'm glad that I never succeeded. As much as I have ever wanted to die, I would not give up my life for anything now.

Anonymous said...

chris, ive been thinking about killing my self for a long time now. this storie has changed my mind about it. i hope you post more of these beautiful stories of how life is and how it forever will be. thank you for changing my mind.

V said...

hey Chris..
Just came across your blog..it explains beautifully how I can loose myself....but it doesnt tell me how to kill myself...I wish anyone could help me there...Its really important for me to die.

Chris said...

Anon, I am glad I changed your mind. I posted this piece for that purpose. I wanted to show how dark it was for me and that I survived it. I wish you luck and will keep posting.

V, this is not a literal how to on how to kill yourself. I don't encourage, promote, and instruct on suicide. I, personally, don't believe anything in life is permanent enough for suicide, but I also believe being suicidal should be discussed openly, and that every person should make their own decision if they want to end their life. This piece was a documentation and a mocking of the darkest time in my life, but my life now is nothing like it. I hope you can find your way out too.

Anonymous said...

I still remember the first day I read this blog... I was blown away and was at a stage where I just wanted to die, but somehow this blog gave me hope in a funny, unsual way...

Chris, you are brilliant.

Chris said...

Anon, thank you so much. I appreciate the compliment. And I am truly happy that this piece was able to help you. I hope you continue to find your way.

Mariah said...

Wow.. This piece really moved me.
It's so reminiscent of how I felt a year ago. I've been cutting for 3 years now, and suicide's always been in the back of my mind. Reading this from an outsider's perspective makes me realize how much of a waste suicide would be..
I'm glad you're better; considering the fact that you're still alive, the ending is definitely a happy one.

-Mariah (xmariahsparrow@yahoo.com)

Mariah said...

Wow.. This piece really moved me.
It's so reminiscent of how I felt a year ago. I've been cutting for 3 years now, and suicide's always been in the back of my mind. Reading this from an outsider's perspective makes me realize how much of a waste suicide would be..
I'm glad you're better; considering the fact that you're still alive, the ending is definitely a happy one.

-Mariah (xmariahsparrow@yahoo.com)

Michelle said...

this is crazy...i love it
but i feel so messed up...
ma friends have been suicidal and im always giving them advice and somehow it always works...they don't kill themselves and im happy that i have the ability to do that..
but have u ever felt that when you help ur friend u feel really good inside but then when ur own problems crash down on you and eventually emotionally kill u inside by lets just say some guy who u really know you loved and you have tried getting him out but it never works (im talking about countless sleepless nights because all you could think was an image of him all upon another girl a really good friend of yours at a party you recently went to) and you eventually start to build up hate for him but its so much hate that you cant fit in because your love for him is not letting it take over, you hate him but you love him...but you know hes not going to be yours and you feel like doin anything for you not to exist no more and you try all the things that ur suicidal friends tried but ur too scared to do it...? i dont wanna have these feelings for him anymore

Anonymous said...

you really talked about most things that I am feeling. that life is not worth living anymore... that I cannot accept my new circumstances in life and would rather be dead and not have to feel... feel all this pain and guilt and remorse and mostly just the huge feeling of lose for my old life. I just don't want to go on anymore... I don't see any pont to anything any more. I found this by searching for ways to kill myself. I just want it to be over!

Anonymous said...

Wow. That's pretty much awesome.

That's a great piece of writing. Anything that can just make you feel like that, that's just so powerful and... such raw emotion. It's so good.

I, like many people here, found this googling how to kill yourself.

I'm not going to, but it helps some times for me to think about doing it. I know things will probably get better. I just feel like such crap right now. Your piece really helped calm me down for whatever reason...

You really are a good writer. Keep it up.

Anonymous said...

i am 14 and you just made me realise what i am going to do to myself in the future i can't do anythig and if my parents found out that i cut my wrists cus they cant let me be me and they hate me my famaly would selfdestruct and it's heading that way now i wish i could kill myself but all my friends that know about me made me promise not to kill myself the only thing that i have goin for me is i want to be a singer and ive got alot of songs and i wanted you to know that you made me realize to not have meaningless sex yah i like you wrighting pice cuz it's true

spencer said...

You know, it's odd to see girls feeling suicidal... I know, the whole barbie image sends many, but I really am surprised to see girls talking about meaningless sex as a mood changer. I guess I'm pretty pissed that girls use sex in such manners when it is so easy for most of them to get it. I like the story anyways.
Yeah, Bipolar sucks; and what's worse, it never gets any better. I found so many people whining about this or that, it's all the same ya know... in reality, happy people are ignorant people.
I know that story.. I have one too. Why the f**k are there so many of us? I am alone, I am melodramatic, I am 26 years old and have been putting up with this bullsh*t for 26 years. It never gets better, it never improves. Military, Prison, University, Marriage, Divorce and fatherhood. Nothing gets better, there is nothing.

Anonymous said...

thank you for sharing that.it is a bit scary for me to read because it sounds like me.i am sill deciding if this lifes for me,hopefully you help me make the right choice

Anonymous said...

I Googled how to kill yourself and found this amazing story. I think it took courage to face it all and post it online where everyone can see it. You are a very strong person and you should be proud of yourself for what you've become. Don't take on other's pain though because it's not your responsibility. Your sympathy and understanding for those who post their pain on your story is very generous of you though. I hope you find every happiness, as well as those who read this. Many of us have been there and we understand. Thank you for sharing your life with the world.

Anonymous said...

I just hate life for what life is. I hate having to go to work everyday and put on the mask like nothing is wrong. I work everyday and still have nothing I want. I hate getting dressed, I hate my relationship, I hate me. I have HSV(correct spelling), not HIV. So I will never be able to really find a woman that would love me. I just want to die, but honestly I can't bring myself to do it.

Anonymous said...

How terrible selfish you still are. It's "your" blog to rid yourself from the pain. Well, when others read it, it only intensifies their pain, and could just put them over the edge.

You could have just written this in a paper journal without publishing it. Good for you that you made it out. This piece will help further other's pain. Feel better now?

Anonymous said...

you guys are jokes, ive tryed to kill my self multiple times, its not worth it. and chris your not selfish i write my pain away to people just need to man up and deal with what they have. there are others out there with more problems think about them. i never had depression issues but ive had the issue of knowledge. knowledge is what has led me to being "crazy" insane. it rips me apart. the knowledge of life, how everything happens for a reason and how everything you do is just to survive in life and how twisted peoples minds get. drugs are not the way to go at all. ive done them, they just make you realize your knowledge that much more. im sure most of you people have been hurt but so have i. im only 17 and Ive experienced my 10 year old cousin get killed by a car, and my best friend die after i told him off. along with may other deaths. just live life its all you have don't turn away from what it might lead you do achieving in life. this is just a blog and people and just cure there depression by a different set of mind. its all just mental

H said...

I love what you have written! Its amazing, it makes so much sense in a weird fucked up way! Dude thats brilliant, if you ever write a book on it let me know!

H xx

stephevans16 said...

hi just read this after lookin up ways to end my life, i have been attemptin suicide since i were 13 and have done nearly everything u described in you writing, im now 19 and have been admitted 3 times in past week after attemptin suicide, just keep failing and now going down the lock up route, have been locked up before and was the scariest thing ever and now im gnna be goin bac i just want everything to be ended and dont wana continue..feel like iam ending it all slowely.. i just wish things werent like this and to see you n here and t have cme through this i just wanted to no how u got through this, it feels like it impossible to escape frm the suicidal thoughts and attempts i just dunno how to get through this and wondered if u culd tell me hw u did, if u could email me passibly or summit, email addy is bananas_r_gr8@hotmail.com or through my AIM programme .. stephevans16@aol.com .. thankyou

Anonymous said...

wow, dude, just wow. this is me now. minus sex. considering i'm only fourteen. but honestly. you're amazing.

Anonymous said...

amazing...just amazing

Anonymous said...

great piece - for those of us who relate to what you wrote, it really helps put things in perspective. I think the glory of killing yourself slowly is pretending you don't know what you're really doing. Your blog kind of gets right to the heart of the matter - there is no disguising self-destruction when you look at it from afar.

thanks for some hope and motivation to take care of myself.

Michael said...

That would've been fun to read to the class, particularly that teacher of yours :D

Hi! I'm the ENEMY, so you understand if I laughed at the story and thought about South Park and emo fags xD -anyone who's ever thought about killing themselves and making sure their hair looks OK in the same breath can appreciate that kind of humor (myself included).

I guess the thing that pisses me off the most nowadays is that so many OTHER people want to do it and I don't feel special anymore! And I mean there are only so many ways to do it (that are also PAINLESS -did I mention I'm a pussy?).

I've got an idea! I'm SO non-conformist that I'm going to LI- wait, I already tried that...

FUCK THIS SCRAMBLEWORDS!!!

JABOAIEFBPAEBNIOEFBOEIFBAOSFBAOSDMB
IBUSAEFOAHSBFASFDIABSDOABSDOIASBHDS
SFDJABSDFOAHSDOASHDOIASBDAIOHSBDIUA
AJSAGSUIDHGAISDHBIASDHASBDHBASD!!!!

Michael said...

Oh and by the way:

"Hmm... very interesting Satire. I see nothing but beauty in the writing. Reminds me of a piece I read earlier today, well done Chris."

I just realized how LITTLE shit like that does but prove that:

1. The speaker is BETTER than you (well done = I'm better -unless they actually are better than you)
2. He thinks your story is UNORIGINAL ("Reminds me of...")
and 3... That his opinion is somehow QUALIFIED (he can "see" things wo00o0oo.!)

I mean, did you JACK OFF while you read that story wolfgang? Maybe watched some Inuyasha afterwards eh fan boy?

Seriously though, was it over yourself? the jacking off I mean. Don't be shy I've tried it -didn't work tho cos I found it really did't get me as HOT as I thought it would HAHAHA)

In any case your comment could look something like this if you were really honest with yourself:

"Hmm... very interesting SHIT. I see nothing but SHIT in this SHIT. Reminds me of a piece of SHIT I read earlier today because I'm SHIT. Well done Chris -I mean SHIT! Yay Inuyasha RULZZ!!!"

I at least I have the decency to tell someone I'm SHIT too -that way we're evens and can dispense with the pretense of having to like each others SHIT.

SCRAMBLEWORDS BLAAAAAARRRGGGG!!!!!!

Totally unhappy! said...

Everything you said in your blog Epitomises how i feel! I have started things i never thought i would... I have started cutting myself and doing things i never thought i would. looking up ways of how to kill myself slowly without anyone noticing! I have never felt as low as i have these last few weeks/months, pushing everyone i love away! which of course makes me more lonely! this vicious cycle of heartache and pain never stops!!!!! But thanks anyway for you blog!!!!

Anonymous said...

I found it like many people on this site by searching how to kill yourself slowly. It fits so well...the circumstances of our lives differ, but the pain, the hopelessness, the slow death...it all fits. I'm so glad you got past it. I can't. If my life isn't over in a week, I think I'll die of a heart attack. My strength has withered. I guess I really wanted to comment to tell you that it does give me hope that you found your way...even though I'll never find mine. A beautiful peice though, very beautiful.

I need to die to escape it all said...

Hi,
Im Ellie, I just looked up how to kill myself. And I dont know why i want to kill myself. Well maybe i do. Maybe it is because im always going to be alone. Maybe it is because my mom never wanted me. Maybe its because im bi-poler. Maybe it is because im INSANE i DONT know! I just felt like saying that. Im Very depressed and I want to curl up and die. Any way buh bye.

El

Anonymous said...

Chris, I've lost all hope and seriously dont want to live anymore I would have already killed myself if i wasn't a mother to a 2 year old and i dont know how much longer i can take this. My husband divorced me 8 months ago and ive been living, wanting to die ever since, he was my everything and we had a family and a life. I am finishing my masters, working, and trying to raise a child feeling like i dont want to live, all i think about is killing myself, whitney62081@aol.com is my e-mail if u know anything that can help...

Anonymous said...

Suicide. Can't explain why I always think about it. On teh outside it appears that I have the perfect life- great boy friend, degree, career, family, etc. but I just feel so lonely, so unfulfilled and it doesn't make sense like a part of me is missing and I can't find it to make myself whole. Honestly, I remember being a five year old begging God to just let me die. There are highs and lows and I usually think about the hurt it would cause my family and then their is the hell thing.

I feel like my life is so boring and that one day my boy friend will get tired of being around me. It is hard to reach out about these type of feelings without people thinking your psycho.

Just needed to vent, thanks for opening up with your paper.

bieballin said...

I was searching how to kill myself when i thought i had came across an easy way out. I've always searched the easy way out, but reading this making everything in life seem so hard to work for, even killing yourself. I'm currently in rehab, therapy, and out of work. the meds i'm on is driving me crazy. I feel exactly how you felt, even though i'm getting help. Your story unfortunatly inspires me to continue on my rightous path. But damn everything is so hard these days, but it really makes me feel better to read your story and comments and know i'm not the only one going through this. Reluctantly, thank you for ending my search of killing myself, thanks!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this writing! I was sitting thinking about cutting my wrists! I heard that u could find out ways on the net to kill yourself and here was your work! It made me wake up! I gotta stop feeling sorry for myself I guess!

drdrooo said...

This work is amazing.

Clear and without restraint.

Anonymous said...

i was in a numb zone whne i typed in "how to kill yourself' but then i read your peice and it sobered me up...so i might have to go eat the other half the fridge to go numb again. but WAIT like omg then i cant leave the house for three weeks!! (thats about as satirical as i can be atm), hah oh well there is nowhere to go anyway! (i like shifting the mundane, emptiness of my life to a superficial level)
self sabotage, im sick to death of it and that sadistic "stranger behind the glass"(if i have the guts to look). anyway the stupid bitch got slapped in the face when i read this, so thanks she deserved it.
Its equally comforting and saddening to know that others take part in tasting (and for me at this moment smelling) my own self decay. hopefully one day i can be the person who wrote the satire rather than the sad fck who takes her pathetic life to seriously to pick up on the satirical aspects. i wish i could laugh at myself more.

Anonymous said...

Katy S.

Though i have tried killing my self many many times your piece has convince me now to finally go thru with it. I have no friend, but worse i have no family. I have nothing. I AM NOTHING. I think that without me here on this God forsaken planet everyones life would be better off.

xoxo Dead Girl

Anonymous said...

wow. everyone on here is fucked up. prolly should just kill yourself and make this world a happier place:). good luck. and fuck you.

Anonymous said...

i guess i tick all the boxes there except my parents r still married and the miscarrying of a child , i cant have kids found out 4 yrs ago wen i was 18. other than that spot on. ive just had the biggest argument with my dad because i dnt like where im living which he then proceeds to tell me is that im worthless a coward an embarrassment do u see where that all ties in i can only now see y i dnt have any self esteem or confidence. sorry but the rant just need to vent

Anonymous said...

thats my life , and its sad.
its really hard and im doing exactly what u wrote
killing my self slowly.

Nancy said...

hey...

i just found this and was way touched. i overcame a long five years of being on the streets doing all sorts of drugs, a serious fiend. and it wasn't until recently that i really felt the backlash.

shit i wanna die. just at night. and then in the morning i wake up and everything is just overwhelmingly wrong. i can't even explain it. i don't even have the energy to be articulate for this shit. you know what i mean.

~n

Anonymous said...

When you feel so much daily pain that cannot be cured - whatever method to end the pain becomes the cure.

Anonymous said...

i found this googling ways to kill myself. the "slow and painful" part is what mostly caught my eye. i find this very beautiful... bleak, miserably torturous... but beautiful. its pretty much my life story. it scares me how much i can relate to this... everything but the mother attempting to help or bribe and the father paying any attention to the girls childhood. my mother thinks therapy is crap and life would be perfect if people just ignored their problems... and my dad's a violent drunk who believes money solves everything. at seven i was diagnosed with ADHD, and 4 years later with bi-polar disorder. i let out a shriek of despair reading the part about the father, it almost brought back flashbacks... and the meaningless sex, you almost want the guy to treat you like shit... anything else seems silly... like the fact that anyone really does love you is to ridiculous to comprehend. its funny how i much i love telling strangers my problems knowing i will never have to see them again. im only 15... and i do hope things will get better as they seem to have gotten for you... but you're right... it does kill you, more than the pills, the kitchen knives, or attempted suicides ever will.

Mr. Vince said...

i googled how to kill yourself out of boredom and found some of the funniest shit ive ever seen. and then i found this. i'm not suicidal or anything, but i must say i loved this. i don't relate to well- as my depression has never reached a suicidal state, but as a writer, i think this piece is amazing. and i see the satirical aspect of it- how could a writing class not get it?

Anonymous said...

i found this googling ways to kill myself. the "slow and painful" part is what mostly caught my eye. i find this very beautiful... bleak, miserably torturous... but beautiful. its pretty much my life story. it scares me how much i can relate to this... everything but the mother attempting to help or bribe and the father paying any attention to the girls childhood. my mother thinks therapy is crap and life would be perfect if people just ignored their problems... and my dad's a violent drunk who believes money solves everything. at seven i was diagnosed with ADHD, and 4 years later with bi-polar disorder. i let out a shriek of despair reading the part about the father, it almost brought back flashbacks... and the meaningless sex, you almost want the guy to treat you like shit... anything else seems silly... like the fact that anyone really does love you is to ridiculous to comprehend. its funny how i much i love telling strangers my problems knowing i will never have to see them again. im only 15... and i do hope things will get better as they seem to have gotten for you... but you're right... it does kill you, more than the pills, the kitchen knives, or attempted suicides ever will.

Quacka said...

Well, I obviously had googled the 'kill yourself' like I had read many others do. But I find this work awe-inspiring. Truely beautiful, tear-springing and heart-wrenching. I'm glad you got better, it gives me hope for myself. I had also read that your Bi-Polar? I find myself thinking I am such, and some of my friends even agreed with me. Yet when I told my mother what I thought, I felt that she hadn't even heard me. Hope I can get the light that pulled you up to help me aswell. Thank you for this wonderful story.

Josh said...

I've been thinking too much lately about what to do in my life and what my purpose is. I get depressed all the time and don't know what to do. It was kind of hard for me to read all of this. I feel like I've only felt the surface of pain compared to you. It's not too late for me to make things better and I'm starting to realize that. You are an amazing writer. This piece touched me, it really did. If you ever want somebody to talk to email me. froggertbear@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

I have been living with depression for a year and a half now, to start off with i just scratched my arms but then it got worse and I began to cut myslef. Everynight it got worse and worse, my teacher finnally found out but that didn't stop me. she tried to help and is still trying to but nothing seems to help. i get better for about a week then go on that slippery slpe again.
I have attempted to commit suicide 16 times and it never seemed to work.
i loved this though the story of your life, i have been through so much in my life and I am not going to lie and say it has changed my mind because it hasn't. I still want to die and over the past week I have cut myself 76 times. They go really deep and I think I am going to end it all but then wake up.
For all of you that think that depressed people should just die and make the world a better place, I say why not try and help them? Why not try and ease their pain hey?
I am truly amazed at the ammount of people who feel the same way as i thought i was the only person, you feel so alone.
Thank you.

Anonymous said...

My life is so fucked up its unbelievable. I want to die to let it get away and make other people happy. I can see the pain I am causing other people and wish I could make it all better but I can't find any other way than to actually do this.

myendless said...

Live life to the fullest and make the most of it!

Ishala said...

I like your story but here’s the thing when your 1000% disabled and look like a model or like nothing is wrong with you but suffer from all kinds of pain emotionally and physically and are holding your loved ones back from succeeding and your kids back what is there to live for when the government wont help oh 600 dollars a month and tell you, you can work but cant make more than 80 dollars a month but you have to pay bills or borrow from family to survive when borrowing runs out and your family is literally starving from no food and your getting ready to lose your apartment and bills are pilling high your spouse looses the job and no where to go because all your resources are tapped out. How can anyone keep on going when it is day after day oh and cars break down when they are old and you have rich friends that are TIRED OF HELPING YOU GET A JOB IS WHAT IS FINNALLY TOLD? And your feeling inside if I could only die to help the situation I have had years of therapy I'm married to a therapist. That does not work when you cant better your situation and there is no out at all what can you say. But to end your life its only one person and I make no difference true but there is a person watching daily you don’t even know you touch right well then how come it hurts to live. When you know you are holding the ones you love back. I've attempted my own life 3-4 times I cut myself stabbed myself taken pills and got no where but I started going to the gym and getting skinnier and bettering my life just to get rejected and hurt. If we let society rule then we are no better we are all on the same planet and we have to be the best we can be for our future our future not Hollywood’s. Fat straight gay what ever people are people and should not judge we are all the same successful or not rich or poor. But here’s the thing why do we have pain because of what our parents and loved ones do to us. or other people. We have to learn to love our selves bottom line for who we are. Because then nothing matters and we can survive our suicidal thoughts and our pain. That's my thought what do you think? Ishala luckbe2@msn.com

Anonymous said...

i've been googling how to die all day and i thank you.... i feel like you've lived my life. you are an amazing writer

Anonymous said...

Thank you. I am a 38 y.o. mother of two. one a teen and one a pre-teen. I had just decided that I could no longer hold on untill they were grown. Your writting made me realize that Im just being self absorbed. I totally get why you wrote it. I am going to fight the crazyness cycle that goes through my family. I gotta stick around in case on of my kids go through this. You always hear from people that have nevr been through this. It is good to hear from someone who has been there. You are doing good work and saving lives

kynanppacunana said...

man im suicidal so tnx ;)

Anonymous said...

i can relate to the crap i just read the other day i lost a tenner life is bad!

Gilbert Chapman said...

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Anonymous said...

i think everyone thinks about killing themselves however, they create enough distractions not to. I have no distractions so i dont really see the need for me to be here anymore but it's not a bad thing. Just means i can see what death is/feels like.
I want to die cause i don't belong here, i can't make the place better and i feel no reason to live.

i'd never admit it to anyone though and that's another annoyance. I'm a 'happy, fun, twentysomething'
yeah.

crygirl said...

I see myself in this. Everything.. Even insanity passed down by blood..to meaningless sex..to abortion.. to everything..Life was good to me for a while. Then things changed. I grew up, I explored the world and got hurt and couldn't bear the pain.
I have been contemplating suicide for quite sometime but never really pushed through for my mothers' sake. But now, my mother passed away a few days ago.. and my life begins to suck again.
I just found out today that the man I've been dating has another woman. Stupid me... and yes I've heard that before that no man is worth crying or ending your life. But it is not just one.. It happens over and over and over. I'm wondering.. Is life worth it? or better to end it now?

Anonymous said...

Chris,
Your writing is absolutely amazing! I am 42 and have struggled with Depression and suicidal ideation since I was 13. On 11/14/2008 I took the leap and took 155 Lithium 300mg tablets. That was the first time I had actually attempted suicide. I spent 19 days in the hospital - 3 in ICU, 1 on a regular floor, and 15 in the Psychiatric unit. Sad to say I identify more with your "dark" side. I just got out of the Hospital 2 weeks on 12/3/2008 and today I went to see an EAP counselor who promptly sent me to the hospital to be evaluated because I am suicidal. The nurse that evaluated me was very familiar with me. She has evaluated me more times than I can remember. In her wisdom she allowed me to go home and did not insist that I stay at the Hospital. As I sit here typing these words I am still trying to figure out a full- proof way to kill myself. I just want to die. My life sucks and I see no reason to continue to live. If you can provide me with any words of advice that would be greatly appreciated.

Anonymous said...

great piece, sometimes i think it would be easier to end it. i can relate to part of this writing, especially P6 "You actually trusted her; you thought you could. She was the only person you had cried out to. You were fucking up her life too. Take this as proof that you should never ask for help." i want to end it, but shes the only reason i cant do it, i love her too much to do it to her. i honestly have never read something that was so close to my own thoughts. i know its not written literally, but its good

Anonymous said...

thank you. i needed that.

Anonymous said...

Suicide is the most selfish act. No-one has had an easy life, no matter how hard done by you feel, someone else has been through a lot more. Enjoy life and give yourselves some self-respect. Failing that, take it to Jeremy Kyle and bask in your self indulgent shite. Failing that, get therepy.

Anonymous said...

I found this while trying to look up ways to kill myself...

I just got off the phone with a crisis hotline and I felt better. But reading this reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to do it to begin with.

Anonymous said...

I am a junkie. My wife left me because of my depression. I have nothing. She burnt all my credit and I can't get a job anywhere. I don't expect any sympathy. I dug my own hole. I found this after Googling ways to kill myself. I wish I had a sharp knife. All I have is a belt. I once thought getting to this point in life would allow me to relax. If I didn't care if I lived anymore, than who cares what happens. I am 40 lbs overweight. I am stuck. I want o get off this lame ride. Maybe somebody will read this and then see a story about a suicide, but I doubt it. News people don't publicize suicides, because they are afraid of copycats. Oh well. Obscure life. Obscure death. If I were a celebrity than I could go o celebrity rehab. Those are the only people worth saving apparently. I truly hate myself and want to die. Worse than as a teenager. Big time mental illness. I wish this was just BS or attention seeking. How many words do I have left? 50? 40? Then, gone. I have a friend who did it. He had a lot going for him, or so I thought. He gave in. I'm no better. Blahblah blah blah. Good nite everybody. I've got a bottle of something to swallow. Thanks for everything, world. I love you all.

Anonymous said...

hi i think that there is nothing else for me my family hate me suicide seems to be the best way to end. can you help me or is it too late

Alyssa said...

I've had mental problems for a while now, they developed into suicidal thoughts and plans. I've been to countless doctors and have tried all the pills but there is also the little part of me nagging that she will never go away.
You paper really toched me on a deep level. I find it very hard to ever feel any emotion for others. But i understnad exactly what you were feeling and i think this will help me try to solve some of my own issues.
Today my boyfriend, whom i loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with, broke up with me and i decided that i had enough. I was going to end it all and i wanted to hurt him worse than he hurt me. I was searching for a painless way when i found your blog. Like i said, it touched a part of me that i lost a long time ago. It made me feel that i wasn't alone and that i could beat her and come out alive.
I know i need to talk about this, but i find it so hard sometimes. like no one understand what its like to have another person in your head telling you to do something you hate. thank you for describing your experience. i really need to know there is someone who beat this out there.

Anonymous said...

thanks, you gave me the push to kill myself.

Anonymous said...

no, i didn't really do it, like i said before, but i want to...

Anonymous said...

Ha, I love this. It is so true in every way. It has such a happy feeling to it! This is the world of so many people.

Anonymous said...

Wow.
Thanks for this.
It was very engaging and very true.
It reminds me of...well...me

Anonymous said...

thank you for posting this.

it reminds me if the path that i've led myself to.

personally no words can describe how i felt after i read this.

thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Anonymous said...

Chris,
Like many others that commented on your blog, I googled "how to kill yourself". I'm bipolar, and it's very hard to find a way out, so I was looking for one.
But reading that reminded me of something I might write or make comic strips about when I grow out of this phase. Thanks so much. :)

Anonymous said...

im 15 years old my mom is dead my dad left me, abandond me . poeple at my school killed my only friend, my best friend my dog with a metal bat,im all alone i live in the trailer my dad left me,waiting for the electricity to go out or the water to shut down. i have told no one about my fathers disaperence, school calls my house everyday but have yet to answer. i feel so much hatered toward the ones who killed my friend and i no what i have to dothis will be my last time on so i will not be needing any advise .
im dirty, i smell, no one likes me my parents hate me im all alone and i dont no what to do. to all i have ever hurt im sorry . please forrgive me

Anonymous said...

I, like most people mentioned before, came across this by googling "how to kill yourself" "how to commit suicide". It's a strong piece. I cannot fully relate to it but I can relate to some. Meaningless sex, drugs, alcohol, associating with people that will run away from me the minute I "slip" - mind you I thought these people were true friends... Always claiming they'd never leave me, they'd prove to be "different than others", they understood me... Blah blah blah. Trying to get my family to hate me just to have a more "valid" excuse to go ahead with what I've been wanting to do for years has not been easy.

Cowardness? Maybe. I'm a coward either way; killing myself will make me one, not doing it makes me one as well. There is no winning. Never.

My life is a big fucking rollercoaster. My down times seem to become more present than my ups. Making decisions thinking I have finally found a way to better myself turn out to be the "worst decision ever".

Waking up every morning waiting to die. "Is today the day?" ...26yrs of wasted time. Borrowed time. When will my borrower claim its time back? When will this suffering end?

Blah blah...

Anonymous said...

Fuck, eat you dick

Anonymous said...

great piece of writing, about time someone honestly spoke about this. i want to die and i dont want it slowly anymore but hey its just like you say it. high five to you for being so honest about what we suffer. its pain and the only release is death.

warmax said...

i used to be suicidal too.. but now i'm back to thinking positive but negative thoughts come back to me every now and then but i intend to be strong and live for my mom.. my hard working mom.. that kept me alive even though she's not rich.. i still live for her.. some day i want her to be proud of me.. i'll make her happy before i kill my self..

Anonymous said...

I like your post Warmax. it's really lovely. i love my mother too but i really want to kill myself. I hope for a time when assisted suicide is properly legalised and you can go out peacefully and painlessly. No one should have to suffer pain indefinitely. I have a stash of sleeping pills saved up which makes me feel secure but I keep wanting to book a hotel room and use them. How long to sleeping pills stay in date? are they out of date after 2 years?

Anonymous said...

wow, what a piece of writting. This has just made me realise that killing myself is a good idea. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

This is definately the last piece of "literature" I'll ever read.

Thank you, Chris, for ensuring that it was such an abysmal piece of garbage.

Anon said...

Hello
WOW! what a beautiful piece of writing. I read a lot of stuff of the internet and this is the first time i was tempted to leave a comment.
After reading a few other comments I can see that, not only me, but many other people can relate to this.
A few months back my best friend said that i have become suicidal which came as a shock to me but even on my repeated insistence he never ellaborated...
But this gem of a narration has made me realize what he meant and see my life and in a new perceptive. I can try and take control of my life but even if i don't succeed it helps to know i am not the only one.
Thanks!

joel said...

Masterfully written. I really enjoyed it. I like how you perfectly capture the real emotions and fears of someone in that mindstate. Bi-polar definately sucks. It's amazing how peopl reach out to an intangible idea of someone to release/relate to them. I say to everyone who wants to die should do it..weakness spreads and is bred into everything..i used to think of suicide alot since i was six..until i got laid..i guess that extreme emotion is a replacement..or a validation of self worth..now i direct my anger into my art and less often than not concrete walls. Death isn't the end tho friends you will have to relive your failed lives as i have..this my seventh and i feel final time to get there..in one piece and happy i hope..lol..but who knows such things. Love the words chic.

kaylee said...

This piece... is... me.

Anonymous said...

to many people have too many things....

its a great piece, masterfully done. struck a chord withoin me.

Anonymous said...

hey, i found your writing piece when i googled ways to kill myeself and i love it. That is an exact way i would love to die, i dnt wanna die painfully but very slowly , I love your writing it is aweso me

Anonymous said...

hey, i found your writing piece when i googled ways to kill myeself and i love it. That is an exact way i would love to die, i dnt wanna die painfully but very slowly , I love your writing it is awesome

poo face micgee said...

wow CHACARON!!!!! y el mudo


U suck at liveing go on and finish wat ur mom who dosnt want u started DO IT!! NOW U PUSSY ASS BASTARD !!!

clue-less back rubber said...

hey hows it going do you think i should get low fat or whole milk from mal-mart i gonna get some pain pills too. i have cronic diarrhea too. yay the squirrel stoped biting my nipples now u dont have to buy coco butter for them!

Tess said...

Amazing.

Anonymous said...

nothing is amazing about killing yourself... i lost my ex "bestfriend" 2 months ago cuz we got in a fight over new people... i got a bit to violent with thte words and i think it just pushed her. she killed her self that same night. 20 mins before her death she send me a txt saying that she loved me. life fucking sucks now that shes gone.

please from a 17year old kids heart. dont be selfish dont think so pesemistic about life. it hurts the people around you so much. it hurts me so much.... id kill to see her beatuyfull face one more time... just promis me to keep your head up high people, lifes actually worth living if you take the time.. were all loved by one another so turn to each other and help each other no matter what the circumstances are. because in my case i turned my back for a second and ill never be able to say bye, kiss her, or get a small hug from her ever again....

heatherremainshopeless said...

this in a way is ironic becuase i typed in how to kill myself slowly cuz im sick of slitting my wrists, taking hydrocodone to drown it all out,and drinking until i cant feel anything but tingles in my feet. this peice is very beautiful and it amazes me how im not the only fucked up one on this page no offence to anyone else here or you. ive been fucked up all my life. since i was born. broken family. abusive drunken dad and step mom. abusive ex lovers. fucking my pain away. ive been there and done all that. i just want something that i can feel longer i want to savor every inch, every tear drop, and every shard of pain killing me from the inside out. i fel bad for all the other vitcims here of pain. and i feel bad for you cuz my life is just like yours except worse. i watched my mom go tho the same thing. everything. ive been a cutter ever since i was 12 and now im 18. i hate bearing my arms. i hate everything about my past. so much that on some days i dont even want to continue. im weak, and i love that.

Bobo said...

I LOVED THIS POST!!

It was a GREAT READ!!!

10/10 stars!!

A lot of emotion and umph was put into this! Great job!

Joy. (yes that is my name) said...

hey, you shouldn't feel guilted by this.
this is true of that cycle of life, i have been there, that same way.
i in fact failed suicide at 13, and spent the next three of so years deepening that state; so i was able to read your post without flinching or a surprise.
don't feel bad for you expression.
it is a horible way to be, one that you don't even understand why you're happen and that you don't deserve once you are.
i am healthy now and okay. although since you have been there, you know that that statement will never be entirely true. good luck to you, and i am sorry you are burried in all these posts.

Joy. (yes that is my name) said...

hey, you shouldn't feel guilted by this.
Tthis is true of that cycle of life, i have been there, that same way.
I in fact failed suicide at 13, and spent the next three or four years deepening that state; so i was able to read your post without flinching being surprised.
Don't feel bad for you expression.
It is a horrible way to be, and feel; one that once you ARE happy, you don't even understand why you're happy and think you don't deserve it.
Im healthier now and pretty okay I'd say. Although since you have been there, you know that that statement will never be entirely true. Good luck to you, and i am sorry you are burried in all these posts.

Joe said...

good suicide piece. very heartfelt. it's scary to think others are thinking like yourself.

Pooja said...

Hi, i like ur blog alot, i was trying to find a way to kill my self slowly, i wish i cud do something which can kill me, i wish i had guts to cut myself and i know for sure nobody will see me within 7 to 8 hours. I hate life and everything abt it. I hate god for making me wht im, i wish to be a bad person so i can hurt people back who hurt me and u know i did have a friend for abt 2 yrs who was just like u said someone leave me for her boyfriends, new friends and keep telling me tht my life and probs r not her to solve and tht im crazy and will never able to do anything in life. I wish to i can get into a accident or something , i did try to kill myself but i was saved on last minutes, i just with tht only few minutes late my dad wud have got and it wud have been soo good, if only like first one other hospital wud have said tht there is chance to save me now tht im dead. why why why im alive in this hypocrite world. Why im alove in a world where people fight like they r bunch of dogs, why im alive in a world where there only man rules, why im alive in a world where there is nothing more then hate for everybody in every person's heart. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY??? I HATE MYSELF AND MY LIFE.

Ashleigh said...

Like others, I googled 'how to kill yourself'... And found this.I fell in love with your words. I always felt different then others. and SO bitter about how life has treated me... your words expressed EXACTLY how I've always felt.

Anonymous said...

I loved this. You described my life and probably most of the people on here as well. In short I have to say that this piece could save lives... please publish it!

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed reading this.
I'm not even out of high school, but can relate to some of this writing, especially the self harm.

I must say, i have strong views against suicide because i know the effects it would have on my family, yet it didnt stop me from wanting it.

Thank you for posting this to help me see that I need to change my behaviours before i do something regretable.

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking for a while that im suffering from depression

i have breakdowns over nothing
i used to self harm, but managed to stop after a friend found out and helped me find a new way of dealing with it
i have meaningless sex to feel good about myself, because its the only way i can feel good about myself

when i have my breakdowns i think of ways i can kill myself
drinking bleach
using a razor to slash my wrists
taking an overdose on some medication

i go around not thinking straight due to the stress of having to deal with so much, im 18 and having to live and fend for myself with hardly any income.
i know this sounds stupid but its job after job after job, i have 2 dogs that i've been left with to look after and even dealing with them is a hassle
it just gets too much.

I smoke
I do cannabis
I'm borderline alcoholic

sorry for letting all this out
its the only way i can without being known

but i really think your writing is brilliant and the way you captured the mind of such a person is amazing

well done.
happy ending arent everything
it takes a few sad ones to make the world seem realistic again

Shawnee said...

This was beautifully written, and so honest it took my breath away.

I was suicidal for three years. Just recently did I finally face most of my problems. I am trying to be happy and fix things. Sadly there are a few that I have no control over. Like losing the love of my life all because I acted selfishly. They say that time heals all wounds.

I say you have to let it.

All in all sweetie, nice job. I am proud of you.

Anonymous said...

hi i have been wanting to kill myself alot lately and now from wot ive been through i just wanna end it i was engaged for 3 years he has left me.i was sexually assaulted the other night and now im goin through hell i just wanna end it.im sick and very stressed.

Froggy said...

Amazing writing! I'm so joyed that i came across this. My fiancé left me earlier today and for some reason this story just made me feel better. You have alot of talent for writing and its a truly great piece of literature.
Thank you.

Ralphaess Jayson said...

just like the rest of the guys in here, i found your blog thru google: I'm a bit depressed and i was searching for ways on how to kill myself. Anyway, what a luck, i found your blog.

I like your satire. I kinda relate to it.

Leviana said...

another way to kill yourself slowly is buy Medicine no Prescription recklessly and without consult an epert

Anonymous said...

(MOONDOGGY) SAYS:"MY LIFE IS SO FUCKED UP WITH PEOPLE,WHO THINKS THEY ARE GODS'GIFT TO PEOPLE.WHEN IN REALITY,THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK!ABOUT ANYONE,OR ANYTHING ELSE.MAYBE,I'M THE ONE THAT WAS ALL FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD,MYSELF,FOR EVEN BELIEVEING IN THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE>WHEN ALL THEY REALLY DONE,WAS TREATING ME LIKE A PIECE OF DOG SHIT,IN THE DIRT.FAMILY,GIRLFRIENDS,AND ALL SHITHEADS LIKE THAT,WHEN THEY TREAT YOU,LIKE YOUR JUST,A FUCKING DOORMAT,ON THERE FUCKING,POT TRIPPED PORCH,ONLY JUST CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES,AND I'M MOTHERFUCKING TIRD OF IT,AND WOULD RATHER END IT,THAN LISTEN,TO A BUNCH OF FILLED TO THE BRIM WITH UNRILISTIC/MOTHERFUCKERS.THAT'S AROUND ME ANYWAY.SOO..MY QUESTION TO YOU FOLKS,IS THIS;HOW CAN I GET OUT OF HERE,AND OUT OF THOSE SONOVABITCHES'HAIR TOO?THANK YOU!"

anonymous_account_10 said...

As I read this, I realised I could relate. All the pain and emptiness. All the confusion and rage. As if I hadn't already turned around and realised that I had wasted my life, realised that I had drowned my persona in pain and depression, that I had suppressed it with video games, alcohol and mindless entertainment to escape the pain. I used to cut my wrists, every night, to numb the pain in my heart. But they noticed. They always notice, don't they? The people who had already beaten you down, who had already ignored you into obscurity, already laughed at you in whispered conversations. They noticed, and the explosion of negative attention I recieved was enough to push me to the edge again. The rope broke. And they noticed the bruises on my neck. They always notice. There is no escape, except through the sweet bliss of death. Who cares what is on the other side. Religion is a lie, and philosphy is semantics. Eternal sleep is the only choice. Goodnight.

Anonymous said...

Dear author,
I am suicidal and have been for my entire life. I HATE every time I wake up in the fucking ICU alive again.

There is no reason for life, if there is and you come up with one. You. Are. Wrong.

We are all born to fucking DIE! Why not end our stupid worthless suffering for the amusement of others?

Grow the fuck up and realize your wrong that life SUCKS and there is no REASON AT ALL for it!



Everyone that has ever wanted to live is fucking DISGUSTING AND WRONG! YOU WILL DIE ONE DAY! Just end it now!

Matthew said...

Very nice piece, very very nice piece. Though I wish you would have sublimely transitioned to her killing herself. You know? At the end having some sort of action she is describing but you think its something else she is trying to get at but in the end its really her like diving in a pool of sulfuric acid. LOL. Please disregard the people who are dissing this piece because they are the ones who chose to read it. I mean I tried overdosing at one point freshman year and ended up in the hospital but i wasn't offended by this at all. Great job.

Anonymous said...

THANK YOU, I will use this method and follow every step

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Anonymous said...

i want to kill myself..but im afraid.someone plz help me to kill me!

Anonymous said...

is porn the only winner during credit crunch?

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Anonymous said...

I really like it, maybe I will use it to help people understand me. Or maybe not, I'm crashing right now and well, who knows, maybe i wont be here. idk, nothing in life is rly worth it

Anonymous said...

i absolutely love this. i can relate so well. very well written.

Anonymous said...

This is amazing........ makes me think.....

sunny said...

I too am constantly depressed, and I've tried suicide three times...however none with a razor, but once with a knife (I was found lying on the floor and I had lost nearly a gallon of blood). I hate my life, and even though I have my periods in life where I'm happy (that last about 2 months), the rest of it I hate and I don't know what to do. I was to die so badly...Everytime my luck fails me, but I truly am worthless and will be alone my whole life. You're paper is completely correct with what I feel, but I can tell it's a satire by the way it's constructed. Though it is concise in its observations, I don't like how you're ridiculing it because the only comfort I have is the pain I feel inside. I'm sure my luck will let me die sometime within the next year, but until then, suffering is the only comfort because no one else sees a reason for me living...

iamhappy said...

Wow. That is really good. I am having a problem myself and you have inspired me to tell of my own experiences and feelings.
Thank you

Me said...

I would really like to talk to you my email is heartofdarkness310@gmail.com I hope to hear from you soon

erin m. said...

music to my ears::

I found it funny yet So peaceful.
You do have a brilliant mind.
(panicxduh@yahoo.com)

Anonymous said...

Hmm Nice, excellent Piece Of work :)

I think You Are Suffering (enjoying:)) from Bipolar disorder. May be Me too suffer(enjoy:() the same disorder. but im the opp sex.

any wayz cool creative wring :p

Anonymous said...

Hi, i am in a situation where i am unable to decide what to do and what not to. I was planning to commit suicide but then thought that my parents wont be able to digest it, though i am doing all this b'coz of my family emotional blackmail. Then i thought i will go for slow suicide attempt.

After reading your satire it touched my heart as u also has faced the similar situation.
Need your help plz mail me on mayarora@ymail.com

Anonymous said...

hello, I read your story and I feel the same way, I really think I born in the wrong family and that they path they took with their life destroy mine alone with theirs, now i am 28 married with 2 pretty girls and i still depress, the way i live life is horrible i feel everyone try to use me all the time even my parents i feel like no one love me now that i try soo hard to depend on my husband and kids love it is not working he acts like he never cares he want to have a boy and we have 2 girls my girls are rude and disrespectful and every time i try to fix it my mother in law and sister in law fight me cos of the my parents dont like my kids much cos they are black and i am not, i can't work or go to school to distract myself cos i have no papers and they denied me already i can't go back to my country cos i came here long ago and don't know nothing bout it, my sisters always want me to go hor myself to help them and all i hear is god love u but why all kinds of things happen to me if he loves me i try to scape with droges and i still feel the same way i even tought that is my mind making me feel this way but no people show me their bad side all the time i trid to talk to my husband many times and he said ain't no depresion going on here i live u if that happend i have no one to talk please help :((

Anonymous said...

this describes my life in a way you couldnt believe possible. i am alone in this world and no one offers help. those who say im not meaningless and that my severe depression, schizophrenia, and bipolar disorder dont bother them have all left me after saying i was fucking up their life. i am killing myself slowly and i dont know how i even started doing it.

Anonymous said...

This is perfect. It is comprisable to many things in my life. Makes me feel better that someone else out there feels the way I do. I found this because I'm googling ways to kill myself. I can't decide how to go about it though. I am severely more content with myself now though, that I've decided to do it. Thank you, for making me feel not so alone.

Anonymous said...

EVERYDAY!!!

Anonymous said...

ok i see that you keep telling people to leave there email so you can contact them so i will leave mines (def_dirty@yahoo.com)i am not going to kill my self anytime soon (at least i dont think so) but i do have continues thoughts about doing it and the sad thing is even when im happy theres a small part of me that still want to die, i just want to know how to do it without hurting my family and most of all my girlfriend becuz she loves me so much it would tear her apart (thats y im taking so long to do it) but maybe you could think of a way it wont hurt her so much to lose me

Anonymous said...

this is a totally amazing piece of writing.
I think you should put this in a pamphlet or something for people seeing councelling can read it.
almost everyone that has hit bottom feels this way and you were able to put it into words which most people cant.
very good.

Myrna said...

You are a good writer, this hit home for me I just had a fight with a friend or thought she was until I went in the phyic ward and then tells me we cant be friends any more. Every thime I think about it I want to hurt myshelf, it all comes back to feeling alone and setting out side of the window loking in at every one else haveing fun and it makes you sad inside so much you dont think life is worth living any more. I have set this a favorities. Can I just talk at you any time?? thanks for the help..

Chris said...

Myrna,

Yes, feel free to email me at chris[dot]sexmis[at]gmail[dot]com. Thanks for your feedback :)

Anonymous said...

Chris:

Thank you for saying what so many of us feel. You could team up with the Quentin and make a hell of a movie. I think your creative bent may predispose you to the pain you feel. We have to choose between being ALL WE CAN BE and feeling the pain or numbing ourselves with cellophane and prozac. Thanks. Claire

Anonymous said...

Great piece of writing, Christina. The only thing missing is the piece's complement: your salvation. Please write how you survived. Many people (including me) desparately need to know. Post it on the blog. The dark piece will be even more illuminating with the Sun next to it. email:rhambus78@yahoo.com

Anonymous said...

I still want to die, but painlessly and quickly. I think i am to big of a pussy to do it. My son is dying and i have no one else.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this I've been thinking about killing myself for setime now and this really helped me thanks now you prolly won't ever hear from me again because I won't be alive in the morning goodbye everyone goodbye cruel and sensless fucking world goodbye to my horrible life this is my sucide note goodbye

Anonymous said...

Wow I am currently thinking of taking my life I feel like there is nothing but darkness and no hope left. Why should I stand and take this pain. My parents and my family never wanted me. I am now just thinking of any way to just be the end and not even think of a time this will pass this does not pass it only gets put deeper into your heart and never gets to go away. I was called crazy while my parents and foster parents used to beat me. Now my own boyfriend does the same and calls me stupid and crazy. I cannot take what has happened in my life I cannot turn off my thoughts they are too powerful. I want peace and taking my life will finally give me this. I comment you that you are strong but there are some people like my self that the pain is too intense that they cannot turn their heads off. Thanks once again for your insight and your words......

phentermine no prescription said...

Who need to kill yourself?

Anonymous said...

I think it is beautiful but dangerous. Keep up the great writing skills.

preeti said...

hope dis helps!!!

Jessica. said...

Hi, I'm 12 years old, and it might sound silly or pathetic for my age, but I hate my life, and I've been contemplating suiside, it seems like nobody loves me. My mum's bi-polar and it gets too much at times, my sister doesn't speak to her, my brothers in R.A.F and I'm always afraid he'll be killed, my dads in prison, and me? I cry myself to sleep. I can't trust any of my friends, my sister used to cut herself, she told me to never do it because of the scars left on her arms and legs, she regrets it deeply. But the thing is, I don't want to live anymore, I feel silly posting this, but I just needed to get this out:/.

Chris said...

Jessica, don't feel stupid. I tried to kill myself at 12. Age doesn't dictate the level of your pain. I think it's harder when you're younger because you have less experience. I'm sorry you are so miserable. I wish you the best of luck and invite you to email me if you want to talk more about it (chris[dot]sexmis[at]gmail[dot]com).

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